Who The Hell I Think I Am

23 01 2006

I believe a brief introduction is in order.

The internet is truly a wonder. In the despicable, barren wasteland that is reality, people require me to generate justification for my boasting. If I say that I’m a perfect physical specimen, a quick glance at my growing paunch and drooping musculature invalidates the statement. If I vocalize that I’m ridiculously popular, I have to hope that no one has a copy of my “Make It A Blockbuster Night!” agenda for Friday evening (…and Saturday night as well). When I choose to inform all in earshot that I’m inhumanly handsome, well, that part is actually true, but I could see how it seems unjustifiable to those not privy to the sheer magnitude of my man-beauty. However, on the internet I am all these things and more. With a quick turn of phrase and the capitalization of an available domain, I become nothing short of a SENSATION. I’ve decided to run with it.

It all began at http://shamroq.livejournal.com, a blog in which I discovered that my gift for gab was so compelling that I could actually get people outside of my immediate family to read it. Over time I wrote a few decent bits and slept with all of the right LJ iconoclasts and suddenly I was mingling with the internet glitterati. Never content to be a big fish in a small pond, I decided to stretch my wings (my fish wings?) and make a stake out here in the big-time. When this site inevitably blows up, I will just as quickly abandon it to star in my own UPN sitcom (“Mr. Whitey Says Cutely Unenlightened Things To African-Americans”) or segue into a book deal lucrative enough to make J.K. Rowling cream her jeans.

So who the hell am I, you ask? I am many things to many people, apart from my wife who I am exclusively a pain in the ass for. Perhaps this would be a opportune time to flex my gift for simile:

  • I am like Maddox, without the love for pirates and general anger at life. I also am just a few million hits shy of his readership for that matter.
  • I am like Dave Barry, with much better hair.
  • I am like the Unabomber, without the agenda against technology or a backwoods cabin where I plot my terrorist activities. Basically all we have in common is I dig aviator sunglasses as well.
  • I am like Brad Pitt. No further qualification needed.

More specifically I am white male in my late 20’s, living in San Diego with my Asian wife, her mother (who is presently ill with cancer) and an eternally twitchy rat terrier. I work as an IT engineer and divide the rest of my time among physical activities, inevitably injuring myself at said activities, and pissing away time on video games and internet schlock while recovering. I delve into such specifics here because it is critical that readers are aware of what topics I am fully empowered to taunt by virtue of my situation. Being a proven non-racist, I can say horrible, woefully untrue things about Asians and I’m afraid you’ll just have to tolerate it. I also reserve the right to make fun of cancer, should that topic ever have the potential to be suitably hilarious. I’ll probably cast dispersions at Mexicans, the Mormon church, the elderly, AIDS patients, people who talk to plants, fat chicks, and that douchebag Jeff Probst too, but you can feel free call me on it.

Welcome to my corner of the internet. Feel free to kick off your shoes and make yourself at home. There’s beer in the fridge. Do you mind if I pop on some music? I’ve been feeling like listening to some Marvin Gaye lately. Do you think it’s chilly in here? Let me kneel down on this bear-skin rug and get a fire going. Ah, that’s better, it’s much warmer over here now – you’re welcome to join me. So…who wants to make out? Yeah, I thought so.

(My wife has asked me to append an earlier comment regarding Brad Pitt. Apprently I am just like him if he had a less talented, slightly B.O.-stricken twin brother who had been through a full-body corrosive acid spill. However, it’s still a comparison to Mr. Pitt so I’ll take it.)

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13 responses

23 01 2006
Paige

Your wife compared you to a womanizing cheater!? OMG!

30 01 2006
Lorenia

This asked me for my name, email, and uri. URI? That sounds like an STD. I guess my LJ is my STD. 😦
I was going to be LJ funny and say tl;dr, but I think this is supposed to be a place for you to be much more mature and “above” LJ so I’ll just say… HAY, WANT SOME MORE DAVID NOODZ? xo

30 01 2006
Lin

Is it as cold in outer space as they say, my dear internet cosmonaut?

30 01 2006
Talia

Choosy moms choose Ian!!!

30 01 2006
SARAHMCABEEALLCAPS

I can’t believe you even got Lin to comment here. He barely knows how to click links, much less navigate out of LiveJournal.

31 01 2006
Ruben

Congrats Ian! You are a…sesation…and don’t let anyone give you gruff about talking smack about Mexicans…just tell them I have given you full access to my membership card.

1 02 2006
Osama Bin Laden

Needs more stars.

21 04 2006
vengeance_is_me

i hate this fuckin feed.

14 06 2006
Niki

Corrosive acid spill? Dear Gd!

6 12 2006
Isabella

Readed

All leaders strive to turn their followers into children

13 07 2008
jason

dude, you get this all the time but have a look at my site. we share an admiration of maddox and condescendingly making fun of others. won’t you be my friend? or at least agree to do some podcasts with me as i’m starting them up soon.

30 11 2008
James

Just wanted to say that I really enjoy your cracked articles. You have a very witty and interesting style that I hope to emulate to a degree in my writing in future.

Keep up the good work, from New Zealand

3 01 2009
Name

Greetings. You win, congratulations.

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