I Love This Man, Van Damnit!

31 01 2006

Lately the internet has been all abuzz with Chuck Norris, the most powerful Ginger to ever wield the roundhouse kick. The hype is obviously justified since we are talking about a man who kills more Vietcong before breakfast than some militias do all day. It is hardly a wonder that his prowess has launched his star so high. If anything, it’s more a wonder that he hasn’t simply adopted his rightful ascension to Galactic Overlord. It is strange that anyone else would bother to pursue martial arts training at all, since both the learned and unskilled warriors will inevitably fall to Chuck in the same viscious manner, and yet a few deluded, brave souls have invested their lives in it just the same. Some of them have even gone on to achieve some semblance of fame in their own right, shrouded in the broad shadow cast by Lord Norris. Some of them even have their own website.

I don’t remember exactly what brought me to Van Damme’s website, but I was transfixed from the moment I arrived. If I could only use one word to describe him, that word would be “glistening”. If JVCD was a small country (which isn’t unrealistic since his broad, muscular torso could easily be annexed as such) its primary export would be luster. You can tell that whether he’s sparring or writing a screenplay or interacting with fans, he makes sure to have a moist sheen gleaming around him at all times. Though his etherial shine is a challenge for cinematographers to combat, it is really what allowed him to stand out in his premier role as Gay Karate Man. It was a gay stepping stone to greatness.

You would think that a man with the innate ability to glow like a greased sausage casing would have everything going for him, but his website suggests otherwise. Just look at his “Friends” page. Not only is it just a list of sponsors, but worse there is an empty slot. These are the “friends” that he has chosen to surround himself with? Never has a cry for help been so evident or shiny. After all of the fine cinema he has brought to me at 2 a.m., offering him my friendship is the least I can do. And so I did:

Dear Mr. Damme,
Or is it Mr. Van Damme? Mr. Claude Van Damme? May I just call you Jean? Do you have a nickname that would make you more comfortable and amenable to suggestion from a complete stranger?

Jean-Jean,
Celebrity can ironically be a very lonely place. I know this just as you must because I have experienced a good deal of it myself on the internet. I don’t know if you get on internetsensation.com or livejournal very often, but I’m kind of considered an online messiah around those parts. However, no matter how many followers I have gathered or the amount of praise heaped upon me, I am never certain that I am appreciated for all I have to offer. I’m more than fart jokes, Jeany – I have feelings about fart jokes as well. I’m willing to bet that you have feelings about them too, but has anyone ever asked you to share them?

When I saw Lionheart for the 5th time, it occured to me that when your character went AWOL from the French Foreign Legion (a greatly underutilized plot device in my estimation) that perhaps it was you that wished to escape from the trappings of your lonely existence. Though you never fail to impart your own nobility to the many jilted, cheated, yet thoroughly altruistic characters in the face of insurmountable odds, I could tell you yearned to find happiness and companionship in your own life. It isn’t selfish to want a friend, JC. I can be that friend.

I have all the characteristics of a good friend. I am very, very funny and we will be able to pass countless hours making fun of Lorenzo Lamas and other pretenders to your throne. I never hesitate to sacrifice for someone I care about, even when it means sitting through the entirety of Street Fighter: The Movie. I can offer you sage council in everything from managing the stresses of being an international superstar to questionable professional decisions (Double Team would never have been filmed on my watch, J. Claude. Friends don’t let friends co-star with Dennis Rodman.)

I know it isn’t easy for stoic sorts like ourselves to share feelings. That’s why I developed a simple system to show that my friendship is welcomed and valued by you. To acknowledge my friendship, simply provide a link to my humble blog http://www.internetsensation.com in the remaining slot of your Friends page. It will be powerful and elegant, words likely recognizable from critical reviews of your performance in Bloodsport.

Bon chance, mon ami…

The Barbara Hershey To Your Bette Middler,

Ian

Closing note: There was once an argument between Chuck Norris and John Wayne. It suddenly escalated to violence when Chuck threw a roundhouse kick simultaneously with John unleashing a right hook. The resultant explosion created all matter and the universe around it.

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3 responses

1 02 2006
Tooon

Was it the Young Chuck Norris skit from SNL that stirred up this white guy martial arts tangent??

1 02 2006
Michael

From MAD Magazine:

“Chuck Norris is the top kickboxer in Belgium, which is like being the top bullfighter in Alaska.”

1 02 2006
Michael

That was supposed to say JCVD, Not CN. Whoops.

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