Kelly Clarkson – Punch Drunk Love

8 02 2006

Thanks to a series of masterful performances that were powerful enough to unseat the Jheri-curled Pixie on American Idol, Kelly clarkson has become nothing short of a sensation. Since 2003 she has had the entire world bopping along (and even kidzbopping!) to her neatly packaged tunes and potent vocals. As her star soars higher and brighter it would appear that there is little that Miss Clarkson has left to hurdle. It would all be pretty sweet if it wasn’t just an ongoing cry for help that the millions of you have callously ignored.

On the surface it appears to be nothing more than another glossy tale of breakaway Pop success, but I see what is really going on. Kelly Clarkson, pop princess, is getting her broad ass beat down. She’s been trying to tell all of you about it for months now through the only vehicle she has left, namely her lyrics. It was something I’d long suspected, but received confirmation of in her latest single “Because Of You”. Just look at the chorus:

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

I imagine the second couplet could be just ruminations on embittered love-dealings, but focus for a moment on the first pair. Why is it that our parents always told us to look both ways before leaving the sidewalk? Because failure to do so meant one thing – you were going to get run down by a speeding automobile. This is no metaphor. Kelly’s life is obviously in danger, but from who?

I submit that her other lyrics serve to expose her antagonist very clearly. Kelly is hopelessly trapped in a relationship with an abusive boyfriend and the evidence is ubiquitous. When she remarks that “Since U Been Gone I can breathe for the first time” it could be just a sigh of relief or just not having to choke out breaths while being throttled. When Kelly is asking you What happened to Miss Independent, she is really asking you to call a spousal abuse hotline. If you’d stop your goddamned bopping for a second and actually pay attention to the lyrics in Behind These Hazel Eyes she spells it out with perfect clarity:

Here I am, once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it, can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry

If you think any of this is too implausible to be true, let me remind you of a woman named Tina “Body-Blow” Turner. She endured same “Spare the rod, spoil the spouse” treatment at the hands of Ike “Don’t Sass Me, Bitch!” Turner for years. Thanks to the power of the internet, I have discovered the identity of her boyfriend. Boppers, this is the man you must kill:

This is the smug grin of evil

As long as he is in the picture, Kelly will never be free. It may already be too late for her though. I recently stumbled on to a list of tracks that she plans to release with her next album (apparently a series of covers and retoolings of classics) which tell the tale of a woman who has lost faith in her fans to protect her:

Hurts So Good (John Mellencamp)
Hit Me, Baby, One More Time (Britney Spears)
Better Man (Pearl Jam)
Love Is A Battlefield (Pat Benetar)
Mama Said Knock You Out (L.L. Cool J)
Waterfalls (TLC)
No More Drama (Mary J. Blige)
Violent Love (Oingo Boingo)
Black Eyes Blue Tears (Shania Twain)
Janie’s Got A Gun (Aerosmith)
Message In A Bottle (The Police) <==”I’m sending out an SOS”! For fuck sake, why aren’t you people listening?!
BONUS TRACK: Ooops, I Fell Down The Stairs (Britney Spears remix)

Boppers, you know what must be done.

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6 responses

9 02 2006
Jake

And now she is a Grammy winner. JUST LIKE TINA.

9 02 2006
Tooon

Speaking of Ike Turner, my gf saw him in Carlsbad a few weeks ago with his current punching bag driving him around…

17 03 2006
martin

So you may not have heard that these two are no longer in a relationship. Here’s a .

17 03 2006
11 04 2006
Sonya

This is one of the most hilarious things I have ever read! I love it.

11 04 2006
Shamroq

Thanks, Sonya! I look forward to checking your site out as well!

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