Unipuke

21 02 2006

This weekend I was introduced to Unicum. Unicum is not a one-man bukkake party as as the name naturally evokes, but that actually sounds preferable to my experience with it.

I was attending a 30th birthday and alcoholic levity bounced off the walls (in as much as people my age can metaphorically bounce without shattering a hip in the process). Anita was not able to attend due to feeling under the weather, which gave me a free-pass to be a tremendous jackass in public and make questionable decisions regarding my well-being. All was humming along at a good clip until we discovered someone had invited a Hungarian. The Hungarian skulked into the room, eyeing all with thinly veiled Hungarian Contempt, bearing a bottle of something dark and ominous. My initial thought was that it was likely a collection of fellow Hungarian souls, black and viscous like spent motor oil. Sadly, whoever made the guest list obviously was not schooled in the adage of “Never invite a generous Hungarian to a 30th Birthday Party” (only slightly lesser known than “Never get involved in a land war in Asia”), which ultimately proved to be everyone’s undoing. Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them, I suppose.

From the moment the bottle was placed on the table I was transfixed. While I am not as seasoned an alcoholic as I’d like, I was under the delusion that I’d sampled most of the ethanol spectrum. This bottle sitting in plain view mocked me, revealing a painfully evident Unicum deficit in my life. What’s more, the bottle had the word “Zwack” on it. How can something with the word “ZWACK” on the bottle not be delicious? It was not only fun sounding, it immediately suggested itself as a rallying call for doing shots (“ZWACK! ZWACK! ZWACK! ZWACK!”). As it turns out, in Dr. Zwack’s attempts to create a digestive aid, he managed to distill Jaagermeister’s uglier cousin.

I’m not sure if this broadened my horizons, but it definitely left me with the urge to expand my esophagus and purge immediately. Perhaps Hungarians view vomiting as an acceptable means to relieve the strain of actually digesting stomach contents, but I was not made privy to this cultural nuance. It slid down my gullet, leaving a palatte of black licorice and lawn clippings (with just a hint of death) in its wake.

From the first moments it mingled with my GI tract I knew the gurgles it issued forth were a sign of portent that required no mystic to decipher. The next morning I was stricken with a mild uniflu. I used the downtime to begin laying the foundation of a plot to have my government unearth a vast supply of WMDs in Hungary. I don’t think any conventional wisdom decries engaging in a land war there.

P.S. I have noted that the item is presently out of stock. We can only hope that this is because the government has mandated they cease production.

P.P.S. This is yet another occasion in life where it is prudent to turn down a cumshot, even if the guy offering it seems really friendly.

P.P.P.S. How many of you actually dared to click on the cumshot link? You sissies….

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4 responses

21 02 2006
Jake

I heard Ricky Williams failed a drug test because traces of unicum were found in his bloodstream. I guess he must have snorted it or something.

24 02 2006
Paul

This is sensational. On the internet. It’s, dare I say it, an interenet sensation!!!!

27 02 2006
Lin

I forgot about Mike’s comment in that thread. Damn, that was funny.

8 03 2006
Satan

Your Gay this column sucks you need to talk about Satan

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