“If Hate Were People, I’d Be China”

20 03 2006

Brothers and Sisters…I have officially arrived.

It has been said that “You’re no one ’till someone loves you”. I respectfully disagree. Love is easy. For the price of a scoop of peanut butter my dog loves me unquestioningly. Anita’s love was purchased at a fraction of that cost. I believe that when you have done something to gather sufficient notice that you are actually hated, especially when not consciously spewing vitriol, you are now somebody. Thankfully, that extensive lead-in was geared to announce my induction into the hated – I received my site’s first official piece of Hate Mail. I am awash in a sea of foul intentions and drowning has never been such sweet sorrow.

Let us examine this manifesto of maliciousness and see where Joe/Jane Public has torn me asunder:

When are you going to give this failed experiment up? Your existance [sic] as a writer has failed to gather any readers and you should just give up. Besides your attempt to be funny isn’t, and your attempt to sound smart only makes you sound dumb.

So far the internetsensation.com hasn’t been a tour de force on the face of the blogosphere and I must say I’m flabbergasted. After all, think of all the millions of people who have skyrocketed to stardom simply by virtue of their personal websites? I can’t imagine how the tide hasn’t swept me into the limelight, my URL perched happily on the tip of everyone’s tongue for weeks on end. I fully anticipated that I’d be a media darling by the end of this month, seated neatly next to Jessica Alba as I quip with Dave Letterman about my “next project”. It turns out that, however inconceivable, a website can be created to little or no instant acclaim. I, for one, am stunned. What’s more, the veneer of my smart has been shattered, revealing it for the bunch of dumb it really is. Worst of all, the funny simply isn’t funny, rendering me defunnified. The horror.

It’s obvious that this site is still something of a wasteland – a great salt-flats devoid of life or activity. Pointing out this project is nothing special is like dropping the a-bomb on Chernobyl – an act of redundancy and excess. What would one hope to gain by driving into my sleepy, little podunk town simply to clamp a bullhorn on to their yapper and shout “This place isn’t cool!”? Perhaps it is gratifying to know that in the midst of relative silence their otherwise sheepish voice could be heard. On the off-chance that is the case, I’m going to let it be known here and now that I will make every attempt to validate that sort of misbehavior with entries such as this. If my site is indeed Siberia, I know I can rely on their fiery hatred to keep me warm.

People who don’t care wouldn’t take the time to visit my little creative venture at all and are already lost to me – I’m banking on hate to pick up the slack. I have no idea where this little Nastygram came from, but I do know this – they care. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference (per Elie Wiesel anyway) and just knowing they care is enough to keep me going. I figure if I can build on the venom that IP Address has stewing, love is simply going to follow naturally.




3 responses

21 03 2006

Wait…isn’t that your IP Address?

22 03 2006

I hate you, buddy. I hate you real good.

24 03 2006

Oh Cheeeeese. Keep writing your drivel. I for one will keep reading it. Color me amused. I am shocked you would take my gestures as hate. Tisk tisk friends should not be so hard on one another. You would not want me posting your PH picture and work phone numbers along with your IP address at work now would you? Besides you being a big bad IT Enginerd should be able to tell an IP address when it is bounced off a proxy server or two and is masked from the public eye for a reason. Geesh don’t you have security classes at your work anymore? Since I seem to inspire you I will stop, your writing is much more fluid when you’re not spewing forth rancid remarks about cruel intentions. Most intentions are cruel. Live in the now man. Congratulations on the child. Good luck. I am sure I will be invited to the baptism just like I was your wedding. hmmm I can almost hear the wheels turning.

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