And Ian Begat…No One

23 03 2006

Dearest Friends and Kindest Readers,

You smug cocksmoking shitbags. I cannot believe how long I’ve suffered you pricks. For the first time I’ve actually needed your support and where are you? You’re off making jokes about me “shooting blanks” and offering to “pinch hit” should a real, fertile man be called for. No matter how right you may be or how much the offer is secretly welcomed by my wife, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

We all know that fittest are no longer leading scorers on Darwin’s scorecard. Thanks to rampant breeding among the dolts of the ecosystem, and the leftist sentiments to Leave No Tard Behind, reproductive fitness has little bearing on the course our evolutionary progress. That said, actually getting someone pregnant is still a gold-standard for an admission policy to passing on your genome. Guess which tard is getting left behind now?

I could endure your cheapshots and personal attacks with ease if my wife hadn’t decided to join the Peanut Gallery. I recently intercepted a communique from Matrimony HQ being delivered to a friend for software support. I swear to you all that this is absolutely, 100% true and hewn from her diabolical little fingers:

Ian looked for the .NET 2.0 version but couldn’t find it. Do you know where we should go? Help. Ian doesn’t know anything about computers. He sucks. I have no idea why I am married to him. He can’t fix my program, he can’t make a baby. Christ.


Luckily for all of you poor schlubs, magnanimous gestures come as easily to me as generating stillborn spermatazoa and I’ve decided to forgive you. There’s no sense lamenting my position – if shame made you fertile I’d be Rehoboem*! I don’t mind being the bigger person and shouldering this load, especially since it’s completely untrue.

She is soooooooo pregnant, bitches. Consider that (emotional) load tossed. Shouldn’t you be congratulating me right now?

* That’s right. I dropped an arcane biblical reference from 2 Chronicles 11:21 about some dude who had 28 sons and 3 score daughters. I totally knew it and didn’ t have to google it at all**. Impressed? I have an unusually solid retention for bible facts that invovle sex. The other stuff about Jesus is still kind of a blur.

** I lied back there about not checking it on google. I’m a liar. And a bad Christian. It may be because of all the time I spent trying to memorize sex facts during bible study all those years ago. Did I mention that?




3 responses

23 03 2006

Congratulations, you son of a bitch. You’ve unleashed your virulent legacy upon another generation of innocents.

23 03 2006

hahahahaha I had to comment here just to say I love Jake now. His comment was priceless.

23 03 2006

It’s a girl.

And she’s not allowed to meet my son.

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