It’s A Floorwax AND A Dessert Topping!

2 04 2006

As you hopefully have read by now, my beautiful wife is pregnant. That means that in just a matter of a few months I will be the proud father of a brand new placenta. To think that I am so close to meeting our precious, new uterine lining is just too dizzying to truly comprehend.

The placenta fascinates me. Everyone gets so worked up about the actual baby when birthing time comes around, but there’s so much more that comes out (accidental bowel movements notwithstanding). This is the sleeping bag that has held and nutured your child since shortly after conception. Don’t you feel you owe this tender provider more than a cursory glance before it is dropped into the biohazard bag?

“I just want to be held…”

People fail to view placenta for what it really is – an all natural commemorative spoon. Just as no sane person would ever dare depart from a tropical vacation without something trite scrawled on the side of a miniaturized epoxy conch shell or a cheap t-shirt using crude mock-ups of Bart Simpson espousing debauchery, it would be a tremendous oversight not to use this token to immortalize your experience. Moreover, despite the fact that the placenta functions perfectly as the centerpiece of your mantle (a GREAT conversation starter!), there are any number of practical applications for it as well. Some cultures view it as a font of life and actually use it to fertilize a plant or to nourish themselves in a hearty stew. Personally I think it would be better suited for a bruscetta appetizer or even a hoagie, but I’m not much of an epicurean. More industrious individuals actually have processed it into beautification products. Oh, placenta, is there anything you can’t do?!

Considering how long placenta has been around I’m not terribly impressed with the level of post-crotch-spewing innovation with it. It is as rich with untapped potential as it is with clotted blood and mucous! Prepare to marvel for a moment in the placental frontiers I am about to explore.

Mindblowing Placental Innovation #1: Clothing accessory
Rather than reinvent the placenta, I worked with its native shape and discovered it is a natural beret. Adding a little European flair to it may just be what it needs to make its presence known on the catwalks of Milan:

If you’re not a fan of hats I think it works equally well as jaunty purse. I simply adore the parallel of how the placenta literally insists to continue carrying your most valuable ossessions:

Mindblowing Placental Innovation #2: Children’s Toy
At one point or another every child experiences some form of separation anxiety from their parents. However, simply because it is a natural occurence doesn’t mean we don’t have a responsibility to minimize it. All the child craves is something safe and familiar, which you can readily offer it in the form of Mr. Puffylumps, The Placental SnuggleBear:

Americans are so quick to disregard the value in something just because it looks like a stunt double for the face-suckers in Aliens. It’s sad, really. I hope this entry inspires all of you to remember and honor this unsung hero of the birthing process. Thank you, placenta.

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19 responses

3 04 2006
Alex

Does yer wife know about this?

3 04 2006
vengeance_is_me

i hate this feed crap. anyway, the beret pic had me fuckin losing my shit. you even put the little stem on top! oh, ian, is there anything you can’t make funny?!

3 04 2006
paige

Amazing. You know I met a lady when I worked at the hospital who ate her placenta. I’m not kidding. They invited friends over and cooked it. Wtf.

3 04 2006
Michael

Dude you have no idea how many usernames I see at work that have placenta in them. I think “Placentipede” is my fav. so far.

3 04 2006
Paul Danielson

This entry is placentastic.

3 04 2006
Alex

Paige- some women eat it raw. Raw.

3 04 2006
Jake

Oh, man.

3 04 2006
Shamroq

She knows all about the website. I have not enlightened her on the particulars of this entry. Does that make me a bad person? : D

3 04 2006
Shamroq

I knew I could count on you to make the stem the best part. You just know me so well!

3 04 2006
Shamroq

This is a comment to you. And it’s nested. Oooooh.

3 04 2006
Shamroq

I find a sense of humor very attractive….

6 04 2006
C

This made my day in a way you just wouldn’t even believe. Thank you!

6 04 2006
Shamroq

Are you kidding me? You took the time to read my nonsense. Thank YOU. : )

6 04 2006
Green Rooster

Ian, you are one truly disturbed and creatively anti-industrious cat. Is there nothing you won’t sell or hold sacred? This latest piece is a marvel of equal opportunity offensiveness. Your mother (not to mention father and brothers) must be proud.

Enjoy your placental bliss.

6 04 2006
Green Rooster

Amazing! Is there nothing you won’t sell or hold sacred, Ian? Your mother (not to mention your wife, father and brothers must be proud).

6 04 2006
Shamroq

Considering my brethren, my parents ran out of the capacity for shame a long time ago. I thank Aaron for being the first one to get a piercing, which set the expectation bar nice and low for the rest of us.

Thank you, come again!

7 04 2006
Green Rooster

Yes, indeed, Aaron is about as low as one can register on the shame meter. The placenta beret would even match some of his current wardrobe. Good luck with the rest of the attachments.

BTW, that second post was an error. thought the first one didn’t take.

11 12 2007
Lori

This is very cute. I’m actually giving a presentation on placentas in 2008 at a midwifery conference. Could I get permission to quote you and possibly use your beret photo? It would make a great opening before we get to the serious – and not quite as much fun – stuff.

15 12 2007
Hetti

I agree with Lori I am also doing a presentation on placentas and I also want to ask permission to quote and use this not only then but in my childbirth classes as well please

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