5 Acts Of Freedom

9 04 2006

Marriage is often compared to being in an interminable prison sentence. Your rights are curtailed, your options are minimized, and you run the constant risk of gang rape by rival factions. I’ve never cared for that comparison all that much. It’s a cheap shot to the institution of marriage to suggest that it exists solely to incarcerate free will and commit you to years of subjugation. I believe the love that is forged in marriage is capable of instilling a trust and sense of commitment that supercedes the lifestyle adjustments that arrive with it – that’s why I believe it is better compared to Stockholm Syndrome.

(For those not familiar, the Stockholm syndrome “is a psychological response sometimes seen in a hostage, in which the hostage exhibits seeming loyalty to the hostage-taker, in spite of the danger (or at least risk) the hostage has been put in”. It’s similar to battered wife syndrome, but it doesn’t have a European name and thus isn’t as fancy.)

I am willing supporter of my captor/wife, content to commit myself to her radical cause of buying superfluous throw pillows and other sinister nesting schemes. Were a SWAT team to burst through the door this very moment and drag me to freedom, I would still defiantly cry out “You have to admit the pillows really did add a nice color accent to the room! Did you notice how they matched the drapes?”. However, I won’t require SWAT to tear me from Crate & Barrel holding tank we call home. Anita has opted to embrace the wisdom of “If you love something, set it free”, modified to something more along the lines of “If you love something, set it free for 5 days in your absence and then slam it back into the cage upon your return”.

Anita will be out of town all week, leaving me to unwillingly choke down the saccharine sweetness of freedom. This is typically a time where most men would embrace the unexpected parole and seek out exotic delectations to feed their hedonistic souls. I expect I will do the same, within the strict boundaries of my marriage covenant, of course. To ensure I have an activity for each day, and a nice, round blogworthy list, these are the tasks I expect to accomplish:

Things To Passively Thwart My Wife’s Authority In Her Absence: Thing #1
I am going to walk around wearing nothing but briefs and black socks. I don’t know what it is about the combination of tighty-whities and formal footwear accessories, but it creeps her out something fierce. I’m actually not a fan of either myself, preferring white tube socks and the safe confines of my chastity belt. I plan to do this mostly at home, but I’ll see where the spirit of this takes me come Casual Friday.

Things To Passively Thwart My Wife’s Authority In Her Absence: Thing #2
I am going to buy a package of some dessert that she enjoys and consume the whole thing. My wife, upon surveying the contents of our fridge or cupboard, immediately drafts a mental inventory of that which she craves or will crave in the near future. In essence, she has already consumed her fair share of it and stockpiled the requisite endorphins that are released with it, but simply hasn’t physically manifested that act. In short, eating all of something she likes is viewed as theft and punishments are doled out per the Code of Hammurabi.

Things To Passively Thwart My Wife’s Authority In Her Absence: Thing #3
Fart. Openly, loudly, and often. I will either invite over a male friend to reward the outbursts with a High-Five or train my dog to do it. Either way, there will be stink and it will be audible.

Things To Passively Thwart My Wife’s Authority In Her Absence: Thing #4
I will not rinse a spent cereal bowl, despite the fact that I am aware that doing so prevents undue dish-washing hardship later. I am far too important and fancy-free to have my morning’s agenda be constrained by the inevitable, but obviously avoidable, formation of lactogranular epoxy.

Things To Passively Thwart My Wife’s Authority In Her Absence: Thing #5
My dog is going to learn how to hump things on command. Being a female I have seldom witnessed this particular act from her, but it is hardly unprecedented. This tells me that my dog is undeniably a humper, but lacks the motivation and formal training to really do it with gusto. Anita has dozens of training books laying around and you’ve got to figure that at least one of them covers this. It bears mentioning that I find dogs humping endlessly hilarious and Anita generally regards me as The Village Idiot for it. For extra spice, I may assign it to a particularly bawdy command (“Bootytime!”) or something that Anita will say to accidentally trigger it at random, inopportune moments (“The!”).

Viva La Revolucion!

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7 responses

9 04 2006
Lin

I’m working on a post about marriage! Intellectual property suit!

9 04 2006
Shamroq

We’re both friends with the same internet lawyers – who do you want to represent you?

10 04 2006
vengeance_is_me

you snooze, you lose.

10 04 2006
vengeance_is_me

i still hate this “feed”.

10 04 2006
Shamroq

I have confidence you’ll get over it.

10 04 2006
Paul Danielson

Apparently we’re not cool enough to be linked as an “esteemed colleague” if we don’t have a non-LJ blog. First intellectual property infringement and now facial statutory discrimination. You’re entering a world of pain, dude. A WORLD OF PAIN.

10 04 2006
Shamroq

I’m still compiling a list of external blogs – I take it you’d like to be included?

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