When The Cat’s Away…

20 04 2006

For better or worse, my mind is constantly in motion. I’d probably have been diagnosed with A.D.D. if my parents ever were inclined to take me to a psychologist. My parents were staunchly against medicating their children to solve problems, a sentiment that unfortunately extended to vitamin supplements to combat rickets. Come to think of it, they weren’t terribly keen on basic dental care or any physical contact whatsoever so it might be more appropriate to classify this as neglect. At least now I know I have some juicy repressed memories to unearth! What was I talking about?

For better or worse, my mind is constantly in motion. I’d like to say it’s a great boon to my creativity, but most of time I’m just rehashing classic Monty Python moments or wondering if anyone caught me “scratching” my nostril. The rest of the time I’m running a perpetual debate on the naughty things I should or should not share with the world. Despite what my coworkers and friends may think of my level of restraint (or perceived lack of) I’m constantly expigating thoughts that would get me either slapped or sued. Truth be told, I’ve actually violated the Patriot Act on four separate occasions today purely in thought (which is more than sufficient to convict). There are moments, however, of pure, unbridled inspiration where I jump back, I wanna kiss myself! HEEEEY! This was one such moment:

When I discovered my coworker was going to be gone for two weeks, I immediately began thinking of what could be done to mess with him. The main provisions were that it needed to be something spectacular enough to scar him permanently, but not get me shitcanned. I immediately began doing a MacGyveresque inventory of what was at my disposal. In my work environment I only had ample access to office supplies and halitosis, which limited my options somewhat. What I didn’t calculate in was the intangible asset of childish gusto for shenanigans amongst my co-workers. Approximately 3.5 million Post-Its later, our masterpiece was finished, complete with matching curtains, a miniaturized Stonehenge (perhaps a nod to Spinal Tap?), a mobius strip and a personalized note from his manager requesting that he “Clean this mess up”.

I’m still kissing myself – that’s how good the look on his face was. Welcome back, buddy.




3 responses

21 04 2006

I jump back, I wanna kiss myself! HEEEEY!

good work, james.

that’s very, how shall we say, “not living up to your expected potential”

this is how you do it, homeboy:

no img tags? i hate this fuckin feed

21 04 2006

hahahaha this post made me want to work in an office again, just to fuck with people

24 04 2006

I’ve always wanted to disassemble someone’s car and reassemble it in their house. And leave it running.

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