My Baby, XLR Edition

24 04 2006

If there is one phrase that instantly sends me into a blind rage, it would likely have to be “We’re pregnant”. “We” can be having a baby and I’m totally unfazed, but the instant a man claims to be toting 50% of the fetus, I have to take exception. It just reeks of New Age Bullshit, an artifact of the empowered sensitive male spawned in recent years. I’m all for letting the world know you feel a connection with the life you helped conceieve, but last time I checked my biology texts only one person is going to be ejecting the snotty, screaming prune from their baby-dumper.

To a degree I understand the need to feel more engaged in the birthing process. My role in creating this life technically ended after an enchanted thrust of the hips a few months back and there’s nothing much for me to do until the baby hatches. This is not to say that I have any interest in birthing a child – you ladies can keep the monopoly on that mess – but it is easy to envy the tangible connection my wife is building with the creature presently bludgeoning her viscera. I think that’s why I’ve been so gung-ho about getting sonograms done at every available opportunity. With the simplest wiggle captured on-screen from that grainy blob of an offspring, I sense a life growing and my anticipation skyrockets.

From a “It’s 2006, Where’s My Jetpack?” perspective I am a bit surprised that sonogram technology is still the best we can do to catch a glimpse of our handiwork. I’ve seen dozens of other peoples’ sonogram stills and listened diligently as the parents identify various features that don’t appear manifested in the picture. I always likened it to a Fetal Rorschrach test, where you basically see what you want to see, but that was unfair of me. Now that I am a bonafide parent-to-be, I look down at pictures of my child with an unprecedented clarity on its appearance. I am pleased to report that, based on my extended analysis of recent sonograms, my little one is going to kick inordinate amounts of ass.

Here’s the clearest one we have to date:

This is a textbook presentation of a full lateral view of the fetus. The imaging of the spine and extensive brain capacity is clear as day. Though it is easier to detect in motion, the heart is well contrasted from its surroundings here and beating steadily. I was particularly pleased that this was clear enough to pick up the shark fin, forearm-mounted laser cannon, and suction-cup feet. However, I appreciate that certain elements I’ve described may not be evident to those not as learned in sonogram interpretation as I, so I’ve taken the liberty of optimizing the image to pick up some of the finer points:

Unfortunately the arm cannon largely obscures the grappling hook built into the utility belt. There were other angles on the sonogram that captured it, but none of them displayed the blood-sucking proboscis so clearly. Most children don’t develop their mohawk and wrap-around sunglasses until 20 weeks gestation so things are developing nicely. Child-proofing will be something of a challenge with the sucker-feet, but we should be able to manage now that we have advance notice (I just have to hope that I’m not misinterpreting the shark fin for a congenital jet-pack!).

I believe the children are our future, but I believe mine is the Child OF THE FUTURE.




2 responses

25 04 2006

i was expecting more than just MS Paint. i mean, MS sonogram.

26 04 2006

I was expectng a bigger “cannon,” really.

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