Chong Li For President

26 04 2006

America is a ship at sail in a sea of malcontent. A good part of that is because of the international perception of us as spoiled, overbearing fatasses, which I rather enjoy and have little intention of addressing. However, a larger contingent is judging us on the leadership we assign represent us through verbal malapropisms and sexual misconduct. I find that reprehensible, especially when we have the power to oust these political liabilities and seek Real Ultimate Leadership. Desperate times call for extreme measures, which is why our next choice is so obvious. We must elect Chong Li as president.


“I WANT YOU”

I must further specify that I am not referring to the highly esteemed actor who played Chong Li. More exactly I am asking Bolo Yeung to resume that character interminably, with the highest level of Method Acting commitment. Accordingly he must remain topless for the entirety of his stay in office, as I believe that his extensive musculature is critical to his imposing presence. If that is not suitable for the position then any garment worn on his torso must be designed for the sole purpose of being obliterated by a mere muscle twitch, such that it can be shreded to tattered threads at any given moment.

Many people admire George W. Bush because they believe him to be a man of action. There is no doubting his conviction to travel far and wide in pursuit of new and exotic places to explode, but without the proper discipline and focus that renders him little more than a degrizzled Yosemite Sam. Chong Li, however, would be a calculating and bold force on the world stage. His foreign policy is a full-circle embrace of people from all countries and creeds who are willing to endure the inevitable, savage beating he will deliver. Naysayers need only examine the smaller territories he has brutally annexed on his own accord (such as Ray Jackson, demonstrated here) without any government backing.


The Chong Li action figure comes with Typhoon Punching Action and Skull Crushing Death Grip. The Frank Dux doll comes with Pissing Myself In Terror Action

Domestic ruthlessness is at an all-time low. We’ve got secrecy and underhandedness in spades, but simply don’t have the bravado for cutthroat tactics on display. George w. Bush may be willing to thrust our military into an ill-founded military occupation in Iraq, but do you honestly believe that he would have the gumption to cripple his opponents with a blinding powder tucked neatly into his waistband when the situation called for it? Now, in our most desperate hour, this country needs a man who not only makes campaign promises, but never fails to have his promises include some form of retribution no matter how petty the wronging. “You break my record? Now I break you” is not just a dispute over status within an underground fighting tournament – it is a commitment to the American people that no antagonist to our way of life shall ever leave our grasp unbroken.


Chong Li supports a woman’s right to choose Chong Li

Under Chong Li our economy will flourish and grow with unprecedented freedom and opportunity. Chong Li is a strong proponent of Laissez Faire, believing that an open and unchecked system is best suited to grow. The company with the largest fiscal pectorals will dominate, with monpolies being welcomed in much the same way he held sole ownership of the Kumite market for so many years.

Other unsorted items in his agenda would include:

Replacing the military’s use of morse code with a communication standard based on rythmic pectoral flexing
Challenging Frank Dux to a rematch on Pay-Per-View, the proceeds from which will be donated to paying for Frank’s forthcoming hospital expenses
Changing our customary handshake greeting with sequential, forced clearing of the nostrils
Finally ridding the world of that goddamned ice dancing

And if he can’t be the president, I would like to ask him to be my father.

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2 responses

26 04 2006
Alex

I don’t know about president, but I’d have no trouble with Chong Li: Secretary of Defense.

27 04 2006
vengeance_is_me

before every politial address he’d have to snap the neck of an infidel. and if chong li is eleceted, you can bet your house that the market on cheap tin shurikens will skyrocket; invest now.

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