M.A.D.L. – Mothers Against Drunk Lawyering

22 05 2006

This morning I heard an obnoxious radio commercial. In other similarly shocking news, gasoline costs are rising and gay republicans are misguided. Starting over now.

This morning I heard a radio commercial that was obnoxious even by the rarified metric of obnoxious that radio commercials compose. It was a lawyer capitalizing on primetime commute to inform all in earshot that he was the go-to guy for getting you out of DUI arrests. I suppose everyone is entitled to a specialty (after all, do you have time to shop for lawyer when The Man is trying to railroad you into frivolous sodomy charges?), but his delivery was so smarmy that I was put off immediately.

To give you a sense of the smugness he was selling, it bears mentioning that his website is called TopGunDUI.com. He wants the world to know that in his stead no case will go unBruckheimered, a stance I find laughable. The reason OJ shot his financial wad on a defense attorney was because there was ambiguity in the case to exploit and well-timed racism to leverage. If double-homicide could be proven roadside with a breathalyzer, he wouldn’t bother. However, we’re still months away from that technology being viable, so that logic only applies to DUI offenses. Even if this lawyer discovered some mystical “I drank too much, but very safely” loophole, the fact remains that drunk drivers are undeniably jackasses. Murder is justified in cases of self-defense, theft as a means of survival is understandable, but consuming alcohol to inebriation and then operating a motor vehicle is just jackassy. How am I to respect one who culls clientele exclusively from jackasses?

Even with that extensive lead-in, I feel I lack the ability to impart just how ridiculous this commercial sounded. As an alternative, here’s an exact transcript of the commercial with absolutely no commentary or snark injected into it whatsoever. I swear.

Did you know that if you are pulled over by a police officer, you are not legally required to take a breathalyzer test? Statistically the leading cause of DUI arrests, apart from drinking, is needless compliance with law enforcement seeking to steamroll you into a justified conviction. My name is Myles Berman and I have made a career out of fighting for the right to endanger everyone else on the road with your thoughtless behavior. I am ready to fight for you.

Listen, everyone makes mistakes. To err is human, right? The imporant thing is that in America you don’t have to be accountable for them! While it may seem wrong to willfully go through life as a consumate douchebag, it is your constitutionally protected right to do so. I’ve got 10 years of experience making the douchiest of douches seem like upright, responsible citizens who would never dare take the lives of fellow motorists into their drunken hands.

When I became a lawyer I did so at great personal expense. Making the decision to pursue law meant that I had to abandon a lifelong dream of being a fighter pilot. This wasn’t easy for me. I showed tremendous potential – the Air Force recruiter told me so. I even used to insist that all my friends call me “Maverick” though none of them did. I’d like to think that I bring that same cavalier, Devil May Care recklessness to my law practice that Tom Cruise’s character embodied, minus the homoerotic undertones. I can promise you that if you secure my services, I’ll be taking you on the Highway To The Justice Zone (no disrepect to Mr. Loggins intended)!

If anyone is interested in what a REAL radio commercial should sound like, you can check out this one that my older brother created while working for an ad agency out in Michigan. That bastard got the looks and the sense of humor in the family, but I take solace in the fact that my blog is far superior. That’s not sad, right?

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2 responses

24 05 2006
Alex

He’s the one with the sense of humor? Sheesh, what am I wasting my time here for? 😛

I hate drunk drivers, but as long as they continue to inspire posts like this, well, live and let live.

6 07 2006
Profanatory.com » More links than some sort of analogy that has links in it.

[…] What the hell? The internet simply did not have enough men that want to talk about their penises. Ian fixed that. Dear God! Why?! Because being an asshole is art form, and the appreciation of art is the betterment of man. […]

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