10 07 2006

Ralph Waldo Emerson once (roughly) said that if you build a better mousetrap the world will beat a path to your door. He always was kind of an asshole. Emerson, noted as one of the great orators of his time, was fully aware of the impact that his words could have. Rather than set the world ablaze to seek out a cure for polio, this sissymary was ascurred of rats and decided to task us with eliminating vermin. It’s the modern equivalent of Martin Luther King, Jr. announcing to those assembled at the Lincoln Memorial that he had a dream where “this nation will rise up and discover a chemical additive that will keep frozen yogurt from melting so quickly.”

Emerson’s thoughtless words drilled home the simple point that the creative faculties of human innovation were best focused on the insignificant, ephemeral issues of our day rather than the burdens of evolving our culture and society (not unlike the present White House administration amirite?!). Why seek to elevate our species and address true problems when there were quick financial windfalls to be made with gadgets and trinkets? Actually, I think he was on to something there. I seem to recall being filled with righteous indignation over something, but it has evaporated in the realization that I have the potential to profiteer. Emerson, I take it all back. You my wigga.

I’ve often thought about being an inventor, but lacking any real creativity or mechanical intuition has always fiendishly held me back. No matter how hard I try or how many five-minute spans I’ve invested in pondering such things, I am always at a loss for inspiration. Strain such as this would crush a lesser man, but I know I’m not perfect and it takes a terribly strong, brilliant, and self-aware supermodel of a man to admit that. Besides, I am increasingly aware that making my mint won’t necessarily hinge on a great idea, especially when products such as this are around.

(I know you ordinarily blow right by my links, but this is one of those rare scenarios where your time will be well invested by clicking through. Not only is it entertaining, but it will add a much needed context to the rest of this essay. Just pretend it’s one of those pretty, flickering ads that promises you a free PS3 for no good reason at all.)

What you just watched was not a crude edit of a commercial, but the entirety of it. Rather than waste precious advertsing dollars explaining the nature and usefulness of their product, this ad focuses on applying the mystery serum directly to the forehead, apply directly to the forehead, apply directly to the forehead. It’s absolute genius. It leaves the impression that this is an invention so powerful and ubiquitously known that mincing words over its actual purpose is foolhardy. What’s more, it’s probably so filled with technology and space-age polymers that we wouldn’t understand what it is doing anyway. All we need to know is we have never bothered to deliver active ingredients direcly to our forehead previously and this product is going to change all that. We live in amazing times, no?

Upon further reflection, I’m not even sure that this is referring to an actual medicine or not. Someone may have just patented an application modality. Now whenever someone wants to use something directly to the forehead, royalties will be due. Just think of the possibilities! Sleazy bars will need to acquire a site license for stools, bottles, and any other bludgeoning instrumentation. Cosmetics companies unwilling to cough up dues will have to limit exfoliants and botox injections to below the brow, resulting in the introduction of Klingon-chic. This could even be leveraged to gouge the Catholic church every Ash Wednesday. This is huge!

I will no longer allow ideas to slip past me simply because they are without merit. That’s why I’ve decided to create this “NEW! INVENTIONS!” category on my blog, to formally archive all of my insipid ideas and lay claim to them early. Also, I’ve been gone for weeks and thought a new gimmick would get me rolling again. Think of it as Internet Sweeps, except I’m not going to sleep with anyone and no key characters are going to die since I’m pretty much the only one here.

Internet Sensation dot Com – Apply Directly To Your RSS Feed. Apply Directly To Your RSS Feed.

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5 responses

11 07 2006
vengeance_is_me

i’ve been applying something to womens’ foreheads for years. this jackass stole my idea! you’ve never seen such a shiny, healthy looking forehead (and the rest of the face) of a woman than after an application of my “head-on” and “special baby batter lotion”.

11 07 2006
Alex

You didn’t invent semen, Mike. God.

13 07 2006
Lorenia

The best part about these videos are the gems like this one:

huskiesgirl (1 day ago)
You know what I think. I think a very sick guy made this product. For all we know, it is a guy’s semen, and he wants us girls to spread it on our foreheads, so he can actually say that he has cum on someone’s face!!!

13 07 2006
Lorenia

The best part about these videos are the comments, especially gems like this one:

huskiesgirl (1 day ago)
You know what I think. I think a very sick guy made this product. For all we know, it is a guy’s semen, and he wants us girls to spread it on our foreheads, so he can actually say that he has cum on someone’s face!!!

20 07 2006
Robert

Good lord, I thought that commercial was far too amateurish and poorly thought out to be national. I thought it was local to Portland. The fact that they adhered to the theory that if you want to remember something, just say it three times in a row, rather than spend effort on an actual commercial just screams local access.

Do you have the teleporting J.G. Wentworth, with his dead eyes and master of puppets smug grin as well?

Cause I waited on that guy at the club.

He actually does teleport. But only to get up in your face.

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