Contradictory Girl, You’re Teasin’ Me!

25 07 2006

Pop music is really just a Chicken McNugget – highly processed, heavily engineered, 100% consistent in its presentation and strangely delicious despite it inevitably souring your stomach. I know its consumption will not enrich me in the slightest, but there are days I seek comfort in it just the same. That’s how I came to hear Nelly Furtado’s most recent single, Promiscuous Girl, a song that truly embodies the sentiment of wtf.

Promiscuous Girl is a conversation between Nelly Furtado and Timbaland, discussing at length how he is definitely planning on taxing her ass. Nelly Furtado, anxious to cast aside her folksy, wholesome image of previous forays, spits game right back at him by inviting him to have a lengthy discussion about growing as friends into lovers before he seals the deal. In short, this is the worst goddamned title to a song ever. Rather than reprint the entire song, allow me to point out the multiple portions where she seeks to confound his every advance.

N: Do I turn you off?
T: Nope
N: Didn’t think so

The introduction of this song not only tells us that N is a coquettish minx, but that she is capable of flexing a hearty double-negative. She is a lyrical giant! As the song goes on, you’ll also see that she is definitely not going to be unwholesome all over him.

N:If you looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
If you lookin’ for her in the day time with the light

That really is some excellent advice. If you plan on searching for a promiscuous girl during the daytime, don’t be afraid to leverage that elusive sun. Skank searches are very seldom successful in the sewers or catacombs.

N: You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

If you wanted respect, you might have changed the song to “Triathlon Girl” or “Poet Laureate Girl”.

N: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

This is yet another literary device that would be easily overlooked by the casual listener. In this stanza, “world” is actually a metaphor for vagina. This is the first thing she’s said in this song that actually makes any fucking sense whatsoever in deference to the title. And, once again, the promiscuous girl wants to remind him that her promiscuity is only relative to the other girls in the convent and this is yet another choice moment to take things slow.

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

At this point we’ve entered the chorus and she has finally remembered that promiscuous is actually a reference to giving out poozle on the daily. I’d say he’s likely waiting for her to be drunk enough to stop wanting to have him walkathon his way into her panties.

N: Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead
But you’re still kinda cute

Some diamonds are blue. Most aren’t. Would it really have killed her to just use the word “violets” here? Did she really need some sort of bling reference to keep things hip and relevant? Chivalry may be dead but trite is alive and kicking.

N: I’m a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don’t talk for my health

Obviously her M.O. for talking is to verify she’s not the tramp the title purported she’d be. Ms. Furtado is basically one of those dipshits who insists on dressing up as a Slutty Insert-Commonplace-Costume-Theme-Here for Halloween. Not unlike this song, it allows her to introduce the notion of scandal but downplay it as part of the festivities so no real damage is done to her precious reputation. Some diamonds are blue, but I’d reckon not as blue as Timbaland’s testicles at this point.

The rest of the song is more of the same. Timbaland reminds her that he’d like to nail her, and she can’t possibly fathom why he’d consider it without picking out the caterer for their wedding first.

Songs like this remind me that McNuggets actually are pureed chicken sphincter.

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6 responses

26 07 2006
Nanila

Skank searches are very seldom successful in the sewers or catacombs.

Unless you’re playing World of Warcraft.

26 07 2006
Paul

The title of this blog should be changed to “misterdomestic” for how often you actually update.

26 07 2006
Aly

As a one-time single club rat, I understood and recognized the humor of the lyrics the first time I heard it. Either you never played the game, or you’re just gettin’ old. =P

27 07 2006
Jake

Yeah man, Aly gets it. Why are you so stupid? Not only is this song very funny, but one part of it that you quoted shows that it’s also extremely intelligent and witty:

Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead
But you’re still kinda cute

3 08 2006
Barnett

Didn’t that Timberland or whatever his name is dude just come out of the closet? He wouldn’t know what to do with a woman if she sat on his face.

6 08 2006
Ef

BURN!!!

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