Warning! Spoilers About My Life Ahead!

30 07 2006

I had it all planned out. First, the announcement of the forthcoming baby. Second, the multiple references to said baby without any specific designation of gender. Third, sit back and watch the mad frenzy of speculation. I can say with utmost certainty that I executed the first two steps flawlessly and yet this non-disclosure failed to register a ripple on the collective interestometer. In short, all of you really dropped the ball on step three and I’m very disappointed in you. Bad internet – no cookie.

As I am a kind and magnanimous leader, I have decided to not hold your rich incompetence against you and share my news. Sure, it would have been nice to have anyone beg just a little bit for an update, but I’m not going to hold out because of pride. I’ve made the healthy assumption that the news of my child simply rendered you stunned into silence and you’re all waiting for the revelation so you can finally exhale. You’ve suffered long enough:

Congratulate me! We’re having a Skeletor!

Obviously that’s not the announcement. I should be that lucky. I’ve always wanted to raise a hellbaby of my own. It wouldn’t matter if it were a hellspawned imp or just a lesser demon of sorts as I would love it just the same. I’ve imagined a million different scenarios where I would inevitably fail a mortal child of sensitive human sensibilities, but I don’t see how I could go wrong with this. Regular kids fracture their psyche every time you miss a recital or forget their name, but hellbabies are far more resilient. All a hellbaby really needs is a steady diet of cow’s blood and a constant loop of Dio albums playing. I can handle that. However, I’ve been assured that those are not actually fangs and this is most certainly not a demon. The news I got was far more of a shock to the system:

See that apparent void where there should rightfully be a penis?

Today not only marks the release of my child’s gender, but the first time my daughter has been caught posing spread-eagle on the internet. Hopefully she’s got it out of her system and this isn’t something we’ll need to readdress in a few years.

Even in jest that last paragraph makes me a bit ill. From the instant I comprehended I was about to be blessed with Daddy’s Little Girl, my protective instincts have been in overdrive. I’m constantly reminded of every lecherous, filthy intention I’ve had toward women and am sickened. I can only imagine how much more depraved my male counterparts are. I don’t even particularly trust the placement of the arrow on that sonogram, already poised to penetrate and rob my little girl of her virtue. “Just the tip, I promise”, it coos, dripping with mock-sincerity. This does not bode well.

Step Four is for you to ask me where I’m registered and make with the onesies. See if you can at least get that right…

Advertisements

Actions

Information

12 responses

31 07 2006
Lorenia

I’m constantly reminded of every lecherous, filthy intention I’ve had toward women and am sickened. I can only imagine how much more depraved my male counterparts are.

Come on, don’t exaggerate!

31 07 2006
vengeance_is_me

i still havr that gift box [mailbomb] sitting in our kitchen. i’ll mail tomorrow. yea, that’s right, tomorrow.

but yea, now you HAVE to stay in shape for the next 22 years, like it or not. teenage boys are quite agile. i mean, hell, your daughter might end up dating a guy like me. i bet you just shivered.

31 07 2006
Lin

Oh shi, a daughter! Congrats, dude.

31 07 2006
Paul

Looks more like one of the Foot clan from TMNT than Skeletor, but that’s just me. I’ll be looking forward to the day when you beat the shit out of Elina’s kid for trying to date your daughter.

Also, congratulations on the successful completion of a sonogram!

31 07 2006
Paul

Also, lol @ Mike’s website link.

31 07 2006
Shamroq

It’s a big world. Certainly in your travels you’ve encountered at least one person more perverted than I?

31 07 2006
Shamroq

I’m already studying your moves, Lin.

3 08 2006
Alex

Congrats to the both of you 🙂

3 08 2006
Barnett

Gee, what a surprise. Find the post where I predicted this months ago.

Oh, and congrats, Ian!

4 08 2006
chanaran64

Warning! Spoilers About My Life Ahead!

nice..

4 08 2006
atillar

Warning! Spoilers About My Life Ahead!

nice..

4 08 2006
rlewishatch

Warning! Spoilers About My Life Ahead!

nice..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: