How much can you bench?

2 08 2006

As much as I detest finding merit in anyone else’s thoughts, I have to concede that he has a point. What indeed is the true, contemporary measure of a man? Just 500 years ago, in the dawn of mankind, men were easy to pick out of a crowd. Years of battles with Stegosaurs and subsequent meals of remarkably fatty Stegosaurus steak rendered men paunchy, massive, and imposing. Their shoulders were festooned with tufts of coarse hair, matted by sweat, mud, and the club resting soundly against it. In modern society this is all but lost to metrosexuality, decorum, and a misguided focus on basic hygiene. Some vestiges of it still exist in the LPGA, but that is hardly a substitute. Where have all the cowboys gone?

There is a diminishing understanding of the role of the brooding alpha-male in our society. As mechanization replaces our need for brute strength, the primal draw of the male protector no longer holds the same allure. That evolution preferentially selects for emotionally centered males, intellectually driven and sensitive. There is really only one problem with that equation and his name is Richard Simmons. I almost feel guilty even mentioning the guy, because comedically speaking he is a caged tiger. It’s safe to make fun of him because he makes it so easy, not unlike sliding a “Brokeback” prefix into a punchline. However, he is also a perfect example of what has distorted our perception of men. How can a man who proclaims to be a fitness guru of more than 30 years be doughier than me? And how are millions buying into it? His rise to acceptance is a tribute to just how backward our supposed advances have made us. More importantly, he espouses aerobics which is utterly ludicrous. Men don’t do aerobics because they are supposed to die standing their ground, which takes very little conditioning. Men get in shape by lifting weights to build bulk or alleviate sexual frustration and that’s it.

I have consulted my inner-neanderthal and I see how terribly misguided all of it is. By forsaking our HULK SMASH roots we undercut our potential. We should not be shamed by our humble caveman beginnings, but rather embrace our primitive roots. Unfortunately, the previous mechanisms to demonstrate manhood have largely evaporated. Stegosaurus sightings are at an all-time low and we are left scrambling for ways to show we are still worthy of slinging the almighty beanbag. This is why I thought it might be worthwhile for me to share the ways in which I remind the world on a daily basis what it takes to be a real man in the few remaining avenues for it. Dandies and fops, please ready your quills and parchment for the List Of Ways To Keep Stereotypical Manliness Viable:

Eat all two-bite brownies in one bite. Why? Because FUCK YOU, two-bite!

Groceries must all be carried inside the home in only one trip. Multiple trips are the signature of the weak and logically minded, two things that run in direct conflict of manliness.

Hit something with a hammer at least once a week, even if it is purely recreational.

Pre-order tickets to see Rocky VI. No matter how terrible it is, you must enjoy it.

Purchase a heavy-bag and place it in an area that receives a fair amount of foot traffic. Punch it every time you pass.

Try way too hard to win at competitions of no particular consequence.

Create a living will. It must stipulate that upon becoming incapacitated and unable to make decisions regarding your own health that the doctors infuse your lungs with coal dust so that you can die of black lung. That is the most manly way you can die short of trauma from a marathon headbutting contest.

Punctuate every accomplishment, no matter how mundane, with a high-five or pound.

Eat meat completely rare, especially chicken. Salmonella is a small price to pay for glory.

Sign your organ donation card. Specify that they can harvest everything except your testicles, which are to be bronzed and donated to the Smithsonian.

Purchase multiple decks of filthy, pornographic playing cards. Use them for coasters when your in-laws are visiting.

Impregnate.

Rinse, repeat.

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13 responses

3 08 2006
Lorenia

Impregnate.

You know that’s negated if you can only father chicks, right?

3 08 2006
vengeance_is_me

no, it actually makes you MORE of a man. if you have a man child, you can relax and don’t really have to worry about much, because your son will be born with buzzsaws for hands and a sledgehammer penis. if you have a girl, you have to remain a killing machine. having a girl just shows how much you enjoy inflicting pain on others. this is the reason i had two.

3 08 2006
vengeance_is_me

i enjoyed this entry. i was about to… hold on, i think i see a stegosaurus. brb.

3 08 2006
Lorenia

Of course YOU would argue my point. FU, efyiu.

3 08 2006
vengeance_is_me

i’m sad you didn’t ask me about my sledgehammer penis.

3 08 2006
Lorenia

I don’t have to, I still have that picture you sent Ian saved.

Oh, woops…

3 08 2006
Barnett

Consult your physician about your condition, Ian. I think he’ll prescribe testosterone shots for you.

3 08 2006
Paul

You know what’s really manly? Having an entire website with no tits, cars, or fighter jets.

3 08 2006
Lin

Ian, I am having difficulty replying to threads, and nearly smashe my laptop for being unable to e-validate Mike’s funny comment about having daughters vs. sons.

In conclusion, I hate you.

4 08 2006
kandicemcgee

How much can you bench?

nice..

4 08 2006
perrynonbush

How much can you bench?

nice..

4 08 2006
vengeance_is_me

yea, via the anus.

4 08 2006
Robert

I think Mark Twain said it best:

“The true measure of a man is the girth of his penis.”

Such wit!

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