Riding Lollerskates To Der Roflhaus

15 08 2006

In Which A Random Chat Sets The Stage For Drivel

me: Do you know much about unix?
person-x: nothing at all
me: As an administrator all I have to do is issue one command and I become another user.
su – person-x
And BAM, I’m you.
person-x: haha
me: I have your environ­ment, your shortcuts, I can send mail as you, etc.
Lately I’m finding I do it just for the thrill. It’s like techie cross-dressing
person-x: hot
me: It’s so hard to fight the temptation to just send an email as the user to the CEO reading “I want to feel you INSIDE me…”
person-x: ROFL


Here we see evidence of my trademarked charm and consumate wit. If you are one of the fortunate few that has engaged in chat with me, this is kind of humor onslaught you are accustomed to. If I weren’t me, I would envy your access to me. I’d fuck me, I’d fuck me hard. However, I also know the scope of my funny and the zeniths it can soar to and nothing in that discussion was ROFLworthy.

It’s all about standards. I understand how my sharply crafted turns of phrase can whip someone into frantic convulsions of laughter, but did they actually topple to the ground and roll about? I doubt it. The problem is people wish to ratchet up their display of appreciation, but internet tradition has relegated them to the same stale 3 terms: LOL, LMAO, & ROFL. Not only are the options limited, but the functional weight of each term is highly subjective. Laughing your ass off seems like an extension of laughing out loud, but there’s no way to quantify where that line is crossed. Furthermore, rolling on the ground with fits, while a high complement (or indication that anti-seizure meds were overlooked) is probably altogether devalued considering the rarity of its occurence.

As with the inception of this blog, I have come to fix your internet. This isn’t a lark, this is a revolution. I’m simply building on the uniform acceptance of the metric system here in the U.S. and riding that momentum to make it a standard throughout the world. Each level of hilarity is separated by a factor of ten so conversions are easy. This also allows for a granularity of expression that wasn’t previously available.

1 lol = funny
10 lol = decalol = “lmao” = really funny
1000 lol = kilolol = “rofl” = insanely funny

So what of numbers beyond the scope of this system? Can funny be divided into fractions? The answer is yes. Though funny was once thought to strictly be an integer, the show Mind Of Mencia has proven otherwise registering only 3 millilols. As for measurements beyond the equivalent of the rofl, the gigalol is largely a theoretical construct, only simulated in labs and humor particle accelerators. We know it can exist but it is highly unstable. This may be the reason our greatest comedians always border on insane, having confronted the stupefying quantum aspects of humor.

I charge every one of you to evaluate your use of internet laughter and consider if the world wouldn’t be a better, more honest place if we just 947 lol’ed more often rather than the gratuitous hyperbole of the rofl. Except with me, of course. Rofl me into ecstasy, baby.




7 responses

15 08 2006

I suggest “roflmao” as the colloquial construct of gigalol, should it ever be demonstrated to exist.

16 08 2006

I ROFL all the time, and I have the bruises to prove it.

16 08 2006

I confess that I was hoping the most esteemed scientist on my rolodex (read: you) would weigh in on this complex topic.

16 08 2006

That may well be why my adoration for you will never die.

I’m still linking to missdomestic. Oh shi-

I’ll fix that.

16 08 2006

rolodex? don’t you mean LOLodex?

17 08 2006

You’re right…I’m pretty conservative with my internet laughter…

I’m usually give a “hahaha” vs even a “lol”

let alone *gasp* a “ROLF”

22 08 2006

So you’ve dumped me for person-x. I SEE HOW IT IS.

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