Reason #89762 I Won’t Be Named Godfather

28 08 2006

Recently a friend of mine broke forth with great news and copious amounts of afterbirth. The pregnancy she had been blogging about for so long was, in fact, NOT a hoax as everyone had expected. And even if it was, she had the decency to run out and kidnap a brand-new pink spud of a baby to photograph, so kudos to her on the follow through.

The “New Parent Going Apeshit With Photos” phenomenon used to partially be mitigated by the fact that cameras used an archaic substance called “film”. With this “film” you took a picture once and, get this, you were stuck with it! It’s a wonder any of my generation survived the horrors, quite frankly. Thanks to the digital age, there is no longer a cost-effectiveness barrier that allows cooler heads to prevail in the endless quest to document the 387th time your baby burped and it “kind of looked like a smile”. When you add the ready access to blogging, the internet just becomes a landscape to map your mania upon with inumerable pictures like this:

Adorable, right? To me, this is what babies look like essentially until they can speak. They are strange, spastic beings who perpetually look either stunned or remarkably high. It reinforces a theory of mine that just prior to birth the umbilical cord secretes a concentrated hit of Ecstasy into the baby. The dose is so potent that the baby spends most of its time over the ensuing months tripping balls, blissfully watching the trailers follow their hands and toys waved before them. This also explains their desire to be constantly touched and previously unexplained draw to lightstick raves:

I won’t say how long I invested in that animated gif, but I will say that it was totally worth it. I was so inspired after completing it, I poked through some more of her photos and realized that my inspiration was far from depleted:

After making two pictures in a row that plainly demonstrated her baby boy was degenerate partier awash in debauchery, I started to feel a bit guilty. Her son, being raised in a loving and supportive household, certainly had greater potential than that. He could be anything he wanted in time. Even a superhero, if exposed to enough gamma rays:

HULKBABY SMASH!!!

I’m betting she wished more of these were sitting undeveloped on film right now.

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6 responses

28 08 2006
Namey

This bodes terrible ill… Nita, take the spawn and flee before it’s too late!

29 08 2006
vengeance_is_me

so wait, is elina the new paige? fuck – i’ve been away from LJ too long.

29 08 2006
Shamroq

Strangely enough, Paige is the new vengeance_is_me. We’re not sure how it happened. pdanielson is the new calamityjake and vice versa, but no one seemed to notice.

1 09 2006
Skull

I totally used that picture of the kid with the Mickeys cans to pick up on one of the mickeys chicks. Thanks Ian I will make her call me cheese one time in your honor.

12 09 2006
azsumrg1rl

I found your site when I filled out a meme that asked if I had heard of or visited the internet sensation. Naturally, I had to google “internet sensation” and that led me to your blog. It’s some funny shit. I laughed out loud (really!) when you wrote that babies look like they’re stunned or high. Plus, the raver baby gif is hysterical. If you were still on LJ, I’d add you. Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

12 09 2006
Ianternet

Anything for you, Diggy. : )

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