Well Founded Hysteria

2 10 2006

My wife is scared of spiders. It’s not a profound arachnaphobia, but certainly potent enough to make her envision a tidy spider genocide. It is no mistake that she has put a considerable thrust of her dog-training efforts to hone our pup into an unrelenting spider hitman. I thought about capturing a video of it, but not even the presence of my adorable puppy could disguise it for being much more than a snuff film. Indi, fueled by frantic terrier energy and a lifetime of indoctrination by anti-spider propoganda, cannot be held responsible for her crimes against nature – it is only a reflection of Anita’s hatred for all of spiderkind.

This doesn’t really set Anita apart from the pack. I’ve read estimates that half of women and 10 percent of men have a fear of spiders. I believe those numbers are probably conservative, based on my terribly scientific Lint Test. This is a simple test you can perform at home with friends, preferably those that have heart conditions, to determine the level of scaredycatness in your circle:

  1. Locate a piece of lint in the shape of a spider. It should be slightly spider looking, but not so much so that it is unmistakable for lint. Think linty spider and you’ll be spot on. You may be tempted to seek out a spider that is lint-shaped for simplicity sake, but this will invalidate all results so don’t take any shortcuts.
  2. Place the lint on the sleeve of whoever is closest to you. Do this as covertly as possible.
  3. Make a gesture to that individual that they have something on their sleeve. Be careful to not allow your affect to betray the benign nature of this lint, but don’t ham up some look of terror for it either. Because it is difficult not to bias their reaction, it is recommended to not make eye-contact with them whatsoever, using grunts and non-verbal cues to guide them.
  4. Observe.

A casual brush off means they are not scared of spiders OR lint. A frantic shaking of the limb to free the foreign object without making direct contact demonstrates some level of discomfort, if not fear. A loss of bowel or bladder tone represents certified phobia/hilarity. Make sure to note your results in a lab book.

This time of the year is particularly harrowing for her. I don’t know what it is about our local ecosystem that so favorably selects for tree spiders, but they appear to be juicing in the off-season. Not only are they pretty substantial looking, they have a penchant for architecting drooping webs through every major footpath. Here’s one of our local denizens, patiently waiting for one of us to demonstrate a limp so he can swoop down from our rain-gutters to strike a deathblow:

“I do Raid shooters with a Blackflag backer. Bring your weak-ass bug sprays, bitches.”

I know that picture doesn’t provide much perspective on the actual size of our fanged adversary, so here’s a side to side comparison:

I’m sure the hundreds of entymologists reading this would readily remind me that this spider is an important part checking insect proliferation and is completely harmless to me, but I don’t buy it. Think of all the spider webs you’ve seen in your life and mentally tabulate how many times you’ve seen them swamped with bug caracases. Most of them I’ve seen were idle for weeks on end until I managed to butt up against it and spend the following hour swatting at the phantom strands that seem to linger on my skin. I doubt this is a coincidence. These spiders aren’t banking on nickel and dime survival with insect-sized meals. They’re waiting on the Big Kahuna.

How are we to survive with these diminutive assassins preparing to consume us all? Luckily not every spider is a threat. Most spiders, even with their “Hang In There, Kitty!” gumption simply don’t have the venom or appropriately sized fangs to down a human. All we have to know is which spiders do, which is where Jesus comes to our rescue. The sovereign scientific tenets of Intelligent Design clearly show that God has chosen to warn us of dangers in the animal kingdom using the same mechanisms that allow identification of similarly lethal homosexuals walking amongst us, namely fabulousness. A quick survey of the animal kingdom quickly demonstrates that being festively-colored and fashion forward is a sure portent of your imminent death.

The best example of this principle is the Black Widow, whose sheer, black ensemble coupled with bold streaks of red screams fashionista from yards away. As their name suggests, they are prone to destroy their mating partner shortly after consumation, which is yet another striking parallel to the deviant proclivities of the average homosexual. I don’t think even they realize how high the death toll would rise if we ended up giving them the right to marry – it really is for their protection that we withhold it. A lesser known example is the Brown Recluse. While not as vivacious in appearance as the black widow, there is no denying the bold use of violin-shaped body art and highlights to really make it pop. The only counterpart that is more dangerous than both of the aforementioned is much more rare, but must be avoided and/or lynched at all costs. It is known simply as a Prider:

Should you identify one of these notify your local exterminator and clergy immediately.




2 responses

3 10 2006

I’m assuming you and pdan have been biten by the Prider on more than one occasion. It’s like spiderman being biten by a radioactive spider and getting superpowers, but you two, the only superpowers you acquired were a rotund ass, a taste for fine wines, and a lisp.

4 10 2006

I wholeheartedly agree, spiders are gay, and gays are poisonous.

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