America! F*ck Yeah!

15 10 2006

I’m not a big fan of sacred cows. As a low-rent humorist, I enjoy nothing more than cheapening that which others have deified. It’s the blogging equivalent of the wiffle-bat to the crotch on home video, as gratuitous as it is amusing. I derive great pleasure from defiling high holy days, acclaimed works of art, war memorials, and Dane Cook (who is somehow regarded as a national treasure for reasons beyond my comprehension). Of course, that is not to say that everything is fair game with me. I too am guilty of placing things on a lofty pedestal, to be revered and honored without question. Though I reserve the right to append this list at any point in the future, a few representative elements are:

  • Braveheart
  • Tivo
  • Bushmills Irish Whiskey
  • Cockfights
  • A wiffle-bat and a crotch doing their special dance
  • The Statue Of Liberty

The last item may seem a bit hokey, but I do indeed bear deep affection for it as an enduring, positive emblem of America. To me it is more potent than even that of our flag. The flag is great and all, but people are always burning in it in protest. Let’s see someone try that with a copper model of the Statute of Liberty on any scale. It’s just not as vivid a statement to defile American values by wielding an acetylene torch over a souvenir replica. America needs more flame-retardant icons.

For all of it’s majesty in size and construction, the inscription at its base is all the more grand. Its siren song to the “huddled masses yearning to breathe free” resonates through our history and our most idealistic notions. It is a statement of deep empathy, understanding our roots in fleeing religious persecution, that stands resolute in a non-partisan, areligious stance, that opportunity is available to all. Unless you’re the dipshit who made this:

I don’t know the source or location of this mini-monument to “all huddled masses, so long as they believe in the Lord and savior Jesus Christ”, but it really chaps my ass. I’d rather see a flag burned than witness this symbol utilized as a back-handed redefintion of Lady Liberty. That said, it really is some cunning marketing strategy. One glance at that statue and I’m left thinking “Sure, there are lots of flavors of Christianity to choose from, but will I find one that is more American than this one?”. That thinking lead to more thinking, which lead to opening my photoshop application. Nothing good can come of that.

Every time we tried to build it with a full cow it tipped over. This will have to do.

Who else would she realistically root for? The Eagles would be a valid choice too, but she feels McNabb is totally overrated.


A view from the front of the He-Man Historical Museum. Don’t worry, the other Masters Of The Universe are adequately represented inside as well. Except for that prick Man-at-Arms.

And let’s not forget my love of the gratuitous:

For those with more delicate sensibilities, we can call this a Monument To The Unknown Taxi Hailer.




2 responses

16 10 2006

i’m really disappointed you didn’t do anything with william wallace and lady liberty.

16 10 2006


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