Baby Got Backups

12 11 2006

I spent the last week in a Solaris administration class. For those that aren’t particularly savvy with such technical matters, Solaris is an Operation Syslog that does UID crons through x86 process trees under a kernel vi editor for great justice. I could get into it deeper, but as you can see it’s all terribly complicated and doesn’t lend itself to discussion with laymen such as yourselves. Don’t let that discourage you though. Learning unix is possible for everyone, ostensibly including Sir Mix-A-Lot.

That may seem a random offering, but I shared a desk with a guy who looked EXACTLY like Sir Mix-A-Lot all week. I don’t mean he arrived in class adorned with a yellow fedora and chinchilla coat, posturing with his pimp cane on ass-shaped stage props. This was an older, more sober Mix-A-Lot. Really the best way to describe him would be “Imagine what Mix-A-Lot would look like if he fell out of the rap game and somehow ended up with a middle-tier IT position administering Solaris boxes”. He was obviously older and considerably dumpier, but somehow he still administered his /etc/passwd file with an unmistakable Pimpin Ain’t Easy flair. When I mentioned to him “You know, the Sun supported way of editting that file is through the usermod command.” he shrugged and replied “Them punks like to hit it and quit it, but I’d rather stay and play.” It had to be him.

It wasn’t a career path I would have paved for him, but it did make sense in a strange way. A quick browse of the Want Ads uncovers very few open positions for Chief Boot Knockas (unless you’re searching on craigslist, of course). If Mix-A-Lot was to be a viable candidate for the modern workforce he would need to find a field that would allow him to play off his strengths. Based on his musical CV he has experience in animal husbandry (specifically anaconda handling) and automotive repair (with a specialty in honda motors and turbo ‘vettes), but those fields requrie specific certification and training to break into. IT is different from those other fields because of an industry-wide acknowledgement that home-grown dorks are far more capable than classroom trained candidates. All Mix-A-Lot would have to do is walk into an interview and inform them that he tracked his hos through a MySQL database and he’d be hired on the spot (partly for technical knowledge, but mostly for the sheer fact he had talked to a girl before). Suddenly it all started to make sense.

We chatted briefly from time to time. He was a pleasant enough fellow. He seemed a bit bored with all of the lecture segments, which most of the students were, but his malaise was a bit more profound. It was almost as if with every mounting class module he came closer to the sobering reality that no big booty bitches were going to be gyrating around him any time soon. I sensed his discomfort and it made me weary of approaching him to confirm my suspicions. I didn’t want to add insult to injury if he was bitter about his fall from grace. On the other hand, it was entirely possible that he cast all that Big Pimpin aside for a chance to lead a simple, uncomplicated life setting up NFS servers. Ultimately I decided to remain silent simply because I ran the risk of illiciting a “WHAT? SO NOW ALL OF US BLACK PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE TO YOU, CRACKA-ASS CRACKA?!” In retrospect what I should have done is just asked him if he liked big butts. By his own admission, he cannot lie about that particular topic. An answer in the affirmative wouldn’t really be a confirmed identification, but at least I’d be that much closer to the truth.

If any of you are curious about this, update the speed dial of your tech support to 1-900-MIXALOT and kick them nasty thoughts await a speedy resolution to your issue.

Note: If this wasn’t funny, please review this and read it again. If it’s still not funny, I pretty much suck.




2 responses

12 11 2006

My good friend and I used to play a game like this when at the diner late at night. We never had a Sir Mix-A-lot come in, but we did have such charcters as: Richie Valenz’s Brother, Washed-up Frank Shamrock, Drew Carrey, and Wolverine-Mullet. I swear, he looked like Wolverine, just with a mullet.

13 11 2006

Mmmm, husbandry.

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