A History Of Pain

26 11 2006

Anyone that seen me play volleyball in the flesh can vouch for the fact that my movements are graceful like a swan. I don’t usually admit as much, since swans aren’t particularly masculine, but it’s true. Perhaps it would help if you thought of me as steroid-infused muscle-bound swan, riddled with manly scars and hellbent on reaping terror and destruction. I’m not really a big fan of that either since it is common knowledge that steroids can cause shriveling of the testicles, which really isn’t the image I want to be locked into either. In short, I would think that anyone what has watched me play volleyball could state with certainty that I resemble a burly yet graceful swan, heavily scarred and tatted up, as well as toting a pair of beautiful, pendulous balls (which are likely scarred yet graceful in their own right). Of course, all of testicular mass would make the swan ill-suited for gliding through the water gracefully, but I’m way too deep into this metaphor to pull out now. The point is, I am the essence of pure volleyball majesty, apart from the whole dislocating my kneecap and snapping my ACL episode.

My kneecaps have always been nomadic by nature. Many’s the time I’ve been sitting at work and they’ve just scampered off to set up camp with other calcified beings that were taken with wanderlust. But when I descended from that fateful cross-court spike, the left knee decided that outright mutiny was called for. One unkind leg bend later, I was on my way to urgent care to get my knee looked at.

After three hours and an abundance of grimmaces the ER diagnosed me with a patellar sublaxation. A 23 second consultation with an orthopoedist later revealed a much more profound ACL tear, further bolstering my faith in the urgent care services that my tax dollars support. This new diagnosis tore down the initial notions that I had something relatively benign, that I’d be playing again in a reasonable timeline. On the other hand, after I researched the initial diagnosis on the internet I welcomed the change:

Patellar Sublaxation or Lateral Tracking of the Patella
This ailment is most commonly seen in active women. A strengthening program can help, and so will icing the knee and wearing a neoprene knee sleeve.

The ACL tear spared me the indignity of finding a matching sportsbra for that neoprene sleeve on my knee. In that light, I was grateful for my ACL’s flimsy construction.

Luckily I’ve never been one to let insurmountable odds or commonplace injuries diminish my rise to mediocrity. I summoned the strength of a thousand Mel Gibsons Being Tortured In Various Cinematic Roles and had the ACL repair surgery. I then provided my due diligence in physical therapy, swearing with every excrutiating stretch I would avenge…nobody in particularly, really. But I pretended I was, which really helped me along.

One year later I was back on the same courts that felled me. I was slightly apprehensive, but unwavering in my determination to reconquer the sissy-sport that all too recently gimped me. My efforts in PT were showcased to a degree that surprised even me. My knee felt rock-solid all the way through my slipped lumbar disk 20 minutes into the first game.

I stand before you today bruised and battered, a shadow of my former self. I’m anxious as ever to resume my physical activities, but am unable to shake the ominous sense that I’m inviting disaster. It’s disheartening to say the least. However, even now in my darkest hour, I remember who I am at heart and strength finds me somehow:

Lumbar spine, prepare to be fixed (and forgotten as I replace you with a more deleterious injury, likely involving a cranial bleed of some sort).

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7 responses

27 11 2006
Jake

How about a little NSFW before the picture of balls!

27 11 2006
vengeance_is_me

I’m lost; I was too busy staring at the swan balls. So you’re going in for yet another surgery?

27 11 2006
Lorenia

I’m not really a big fan of that either since it is common knowledge that steroids can cause shriveling of the testicles, which really isn’t the image I want to be locked into either.

We know your balls are already shriveled.

27 11 2006
Ianternet

But in this context, they are not balls. They are ART.

27 11 2006
Ianternet

We can always go to your chin for confirmation.

27 11 2006
vengeance_is_me

POW!

27 11 2006
Chris S

Dude…. your starting to fall apart just like me. Finally you know my pain.

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