Clip Your Strings!

8 02 2007

We look to technology every day to simplify our lives. From blenders to Real Dolls modern life affords us a bevy of options on how to get things done conveniently. Laptops are a prime example of this, allowing us to access computing resources from anywhere, especially with the advent of wireless internet. However, the laptop’s greatest asset, namely portability, is nothing more than a cruel illusion perpetrated by a corrupt computer industry. No matter what advantges your supposed wireless gadgetry provides, you are always beholden to finding a power source.

We’ve all been there. You might be on a business trip, waiting for a bus or just relaxing on the couch, but the scenario is the same. You’re using your laptop beyond the power cable’s reach, just minutes away from Peter North basting the forehead of his protagonist in Latina Lovelies volume 7, when you realize your de facto DVD player lacks the juice to get you there. Even a fledgling Darth Vader doesn’t have a “NOOOOOOOOOO!” to rival the tragic sentiment evoked by that scenario.

It’s 2007 and we have long since abandoned hopes of our jet-cars, but where is our wireless power? Are we truly to remain ensnared by AC adapters, senselessly tethered to walls? Am I my amperage’s keeper, or is the converse true? These are the questions that fueled my desire to innovate a solution to all of this.

The technical details of how it works are rich and complex. I can’t expect that most laymen would understand the fundamentals of its design, but I will do my best to simplify it. Initial prototypes have been somewhat hindered by a lack of investment capital, but are certainly sound in concept. Version 1.0 involves the interplay of a stripped extension cable and it’s counterpart on the laptop, a densely wadded ball of aluminum foil. They employ my patented “Voltage Arc” system for transmission. Here is a graphical demonstration of the technology at work:

This model has an effective range of 6 to 8 inches from the selected outlet, but that can be enhanced increasing the foil ball’s diamter or submersing the environment entirely in saline solution. I highly recommend all children and pets be prevented access to the critical Voltage Arc® path, as some simulations have indicated exposure can cause 2nd degree burns if not immediate death. Such is the price of progress.

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8 responses

8 02 2007
Lin

It’s so true. I am really tired of option a: soldering my poorly made IBM power supply, or option b: buying yet another 100 dollar Taurgus after-market power supply because the batter life on my laptop has half the usage time of a cassette Walkman in the 1980s.

Your solution is innovative, and I am designing a whole-house immersion pool as we speak. I’m thinking some beta fish would enhance the decor, and provide a nice snack while I internet. What say you?

8 02 2007
vengeance_is_me

It’s like, you’re right on the verge of having some emotionally broken woman fly out to PA for some seedy hotel action via ford festiva and *BEEEEOOOOP* your laptop battery dies. I mean, does mike have to bbgun a bitch in diapers out this muthafucka?

8 02 2007
Ianternet

I would say that’s absolutely ludicrous, Lin. Everyone knows that Bettas are FRESH WATER and I specifically requested a saline solution. Are you daft? However, a nice goby or clownfish would definitely be the ticket.

8 02 2007
8 02 2007
vengeance_is_me

and of course there’s a typo in there. i mean, can i just type one statement without fucking up? can i? CAN I?!?!

8 02 2007
Ianternet

I actually did a search on thinkgeek before I wrote this. There’s even someone that has developed an electromagnetic hotplate that you just lay your cellphone and similar items on and it appparently charges it for you. But I don’t see how they could possibly work without a gigantic foil ball.

8 02 2007
Paul Danielson

A Real Doll isn’t as convenient as a traditional woman, because you have to clean the doll afterwards, whereas with a woman you can just smack her on the ass and say “Yeah, you should probably leave now.”

8 02 2007
vengeance_is_me

Note: the P in Pdanielson stands for “pimp”.

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