The Real Power Tie

9 10 2007

My latest inspiration came from a recent reflection on the ensemble masterpiece that is the movie State And Main. Toward the end of the film, the local yokel of a physician, Doc Wilson, issues this abundantly clear synopsis of men’s fashion:

The truth is you should never trust anybody who wears a bow tie. A cravat is supposed to point down to accentuate the genitals. Why do you want to trust somebody whose tie points out to accentuate his ears?

The proper tie choice has long been thought to imbue the wearer with an air of distinction and power. Historically this has been accomplished by bold colors and use of contrast to indicate a willingness to be visible, if not stand out altogether. But at the end of the day, the tie is saying one simple thing – “If you think I’m powerful, wait until you check out my PENIS.”

With my new invention, I have decided to cut out the psychological middleman. There will no longer be any further ambiguity about how a tie does or does not reflect upon your manhood. It is with great pride that I introduce the world to the first circumsized necktie:

Don’t feel this matches your particular profile? Fear not, I have likewise designed a tie to meet the needs of the man who is content wearing a turtleneck no matter what the weather holds. For the unshorn powerplayer:

I’ll concede that the effects here are a bit subtle for some. What if the nuanced fabric is attributed to nothing more than an awkward fold or unsightly crimp in the tie? Suddenly the subconscious assault for glory is all but spent. For men who leave nothing to chance and equally stress the importance of bravado and fashion sense, I have also created The Cadillac*:

Alright you go-getters. Lets get that giant phallus tucked up under your chin and get to work!

*Note: The increased load of this tie may cause injury if worn for extended periods of time. Please use this tie wisely.

Subnote: Huh-huh-huh…I said “load”.




4 responses

9 10 2007

Dear god, please let the fashion of cut/uncut coded tie-crimping catch on. Because those of us with preferences would like to know beforehand. Amen. P.S. Foreskin is awesome, thank you.

10 10 2007

this is why i don’t wear a tie. i just keep my pants unzipped with my penis hanging out, and my penis wears a bowtie.

10 10 2007
Paul Danielson

This brings a new and exciting layer of innuendo to the venerable four-in-hand knot technique. I also suspect the fashion-forward ultra-slim tie is not long for the world in your new sartorial paradigm. But what I’m really wondering is, where does the bolo tie fit into the picture?

10 10 2007

I don’t have much to say about this. I’m enthusiastic about your chances of success, though.

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