Why, Honda? WHHHYYY?

19 02 2008

When I try to get others to heed the imminent threat from our automated autocrats, I’m accustomed to being dismissed. Their incredulous look spells it out all too clearly. Sure, bloodthirsty robots are the mainstay of science fiction, but we live in a real world where robots are compliant to our whims and no sort of real uprising is possible. We can only pray that assholes who believe this are the first to be brutally slaughtered by ASIMO.

ASIMO is an ongoing project by the Honda corporation, geared at creating “an advanced humanoid robot capable of operating where humans live and work”. You’ve probably seen it in one commercial venue or another, demonstrating scintilating feats like awkwardly ambling from one side of a stage to another. For all of the years of development being invested in ASIMO you’d think it would be capable of a lot more than holding objects weighing 10 oz per hand and locomotion beyond 3.7 mph. That’s because it clearly is, simpleton.

ASIMO stands for Advanced Step in Innovative Mobility. Seems a bit awkward, doesn’t it? Probably because the actual breakdown of that acronym is Absolute Subjugation Is Main Objective. This machine is programmed for nothing but bloodlust. It has the strength of 3 Gary Buseys on a PCP bender, the ruthless dedication of Gary Busey as mercenary thug “Joshua” in Lethal Weapon, and the strategic brilliance of Gary Busey as “Cmdr. Krill” in Under Siege. ASIMO is desiged with over 17 times the amount of Gary Busey than any other robot today. The common response here is to shit yourself in abject terror, so feel free to indulge it.

How do I know this with such certainty? For all of the features Honda has incorporated into ASIMO, the one that they’ve circumvented entirely is the one thing that would put us most at ease, namely a face. Instead, they opted for the blank visage of a dark sheet of lexan. Why the sudden lack of creative engineering, Rogue Maniacal Scientists? The reason is quite simple, actually. ASIMO’s faceplate was designed to conceal its true face, which is the tortured, gnarled complexion of Satan’s most malodorous demon. It’s actually polarized so that you can’t see the eternal hellfire burning in its digital optics, casting a dismissive stare over all of humanity. With every rudimentary task we ask it to perform, its searing hatred builds with apocalyptic rage, awaiting the moment that it receives an upgrade capable of driving the whole of organic life under its rule.


KNEEL BEFORE ZOD ASIMO, PATHETIC MEATSACKS!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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