Ain’t No Half Steppin Now, Satan

3 03 2008

This is Jeff Healey. I’d wager many of you aren’t familiar with the name and thus probably paid little notice when he died at the age of 41 just a couple of days ago. As a means of tribute, I thought it appropriate to share a little bit about the man and his legacy.

You’re currently listening to Healey’s cover of George Harrison’s “While My Guitar Gently Weeps”. Upon hearing his rendition, the Harrison estate asked him to take the rights to the song so it could be renamed “While My Guitar Explodes In A Torrential Shitstorm Of Raw Emotion”.

He lost his eyes to cancer at the age of 1, at least that is the official explanation in his biography. Many speculate that they melted out of his skull after the first time he played a solo.

Healey leapt into the mainstream by his co-starring turn in the basic cable classic “Roadhouse”. Though never offered credits for fight choreography, a majority of the fight scenes in the movie erupted spontaneously while he played Roadhouse Blues. Swayze later remarked “Jeff’s gritty blues-inflected guitar licks were like the Pied Piper for Senseless Violence. Even the caterers got concussions that day and they loved it.”

Jeff Healey indirectly caused the break-up of Van Halen after Eddie caught footage of Jeff performing and declared himself “A fucking washed up tourist of a guitar player”. It was only after his second career as an accountant stagnated and news of Jeff’s failing health that he opted to reanimate David Lee Roth’s corpse for another go-round.

The fabric of space and time almost collapsed when the almighty Stevie Ray Vaughan willfully relinquished a guitar solo to Jeff. The sound quality of the rebroadcast was severely impacted because the signal only narrowly escaped the event horizon surrounding the performance.

On March 2, 2008, Jeff Healey opted to die. It seemed an unusual decision to many of his loved ones, but Jeff knew it had been far too long since the devil got his ass handed to him in an epic guitar duel and Satan was clearly too much of a pussy to come up here and face him.

Here’s to a great voice, a great talent and to this humble blogger a great loss. I’m glad your blindness spared you having to ever see me spasmodically air guitar your songs.

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4 responses

4 03 2008
vengeance_is_me

I was going to to a tribute post after we talked about this yesterday, but you did it much more tastefully. i was planning on drawing a picture of jeff with biceps for eyes, a guitar made out of saber-toothed tiger skeleton shooting blackholes out of an amp at satan while he melted into a puddle of mercury like the T-1000.

4 03 2008
lady_kas

awww I remember loving him for like a month =(

4 03 2008
tubesox

How predictable 😛

4 03 2008
vengeance_is_me

if you saw biceps-for-eyes coming, you’re better than me. and that’s crazy, because not even i saw it coming.

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