L. Ron Hubbard Can Kiss My Beanbag

In recent years the Muslim religion has come under scrutiny for its association with terrorist activities around the globe. No matter where your opinion falls on the matter of their dogma sanctioning these acts, there is a much larger problem that no one is taking the time to examine. Islam is making all the other religions look like pussies.

It’s time for some religion to step up. While the muslims are running around getting a serious rep for blowing shit up and getting all jihaddy on that ass, all the other religions are basically squabbling to see who is the least flammable. Normally I would turn to Buddhists, since they are primarily Asian (apart from that rodent-smuggling Richard Gere) and therefore know the Dim Mak and crane technique, but it turns out they are quite placid. Having too much zen is like eating a carb-heavy lunch – trying to be productive afterwards, let alone kick ass, is pretty much a non-option. I’d call on my Jewish friends (a.k.a. my homeheebs) to step up, but it turns out they have their hands full with some Gaza-related business and controlling the media. It looks like it’s time for the Christians to drop some old skool crusade-beats and show the Muslim world what it is to be served by Jesus ”El Nino” Christ.

The primary obstacle I see is how to give Jesus’ image the appropriate tweaks. This is no easy task to overcome, since current representations always have him turning the other cheek and forgiving people for killing him. While dying for our sins is the foundation of the Christian faith, it doesn’t really scream all-powerful and smite-happy. We need to remind people that while he chose to die, he totally could have just wrecked our shit like it ain’t no thang. This is why I came up with Hulk Jesus:

Another big problem with Jesus is that he seems so tender and caring. I want my God to strike down evil-doers, not put bactine on their boo-boos when they skin a knee. It’s why I have decided to reinvent the popular Christian Hallmark Calling Card known as the Footprints poem. I feel I have done justice to the core of it’s message while showing that Jesus is someone you’d want on your flank as your platoon dives into a hail of shrapnel and bullets:

This one requires a tad more creative license than the other suggestions, but it certainly makes up for it with flair. The notion of Jesus being a shepherd is a comforting metaphor, tending to his disciples as he would his flock. I would never wish to unwrite that nuturing attribute, but I would like to propose we refer to it with the more contemporary term sheep-pimp:

Remember, it’s the son of GOD. Reckanize.