My Future In PR Is Assured

27 04 2008

If you’re like me, Global Warming doesn’t scare you at all. It’s not that I necessarily take a contrary position to Al Gore (that would hardly be polite – this is HIS internet after all) on the underlying science. I don’t actually care about the facts that much because I’ll believe whatever shocking, agenda-ridden documentary I’ve seen most recently. What kills me is how ineffectual the term “Global Warming” is.

It’s the “warming” bit that really ruins the whole thing. I can appreciate the idea of impacting things on a global scale, but if we’re only gradually making the planet cozier who cares? Someone really missed the mark when they didn’t coin it as Global Scorching from the get go. It might be a bit hyperbolic, but think about how much more effective an ad campaign like this would be:

“Every time you don’t carpool, a child bursts into flames. Try taking a bus, asshole.”

Unfortunately that would never fly. The temperature changes are too gradual to leverage scare tactics. To be effective, the whole campaign needs another angle as relatable as it is terrifying. And I have it.


The world is already 3/4 water and we have all but surrendered that domain to these bloodthirsty denizens of the murky deep. We only rest comfortably knowing that we’re on land and they have gills so there’s nothing to worry about. Right? Hardly.

It’s simple enough. Rising earth temp > melting ice caps > rising ocean levels > expanded reach of oceans on to land > profit GLOBAL SHARKING

Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!

Sharks are savage. Sharks love human flesh almost as much as they love irony. With every inch that the ocean encroaches on our doors we come one step closer to rethinking our place on the foodchain. If the notion of GLOBAL sharking doesn’t scare the shit out of you, I’m sorry to report that you have already been killed by a shark and thus feel nothing. The rest of us are sweating.

“This ain’t no candygram, bitch.”




4 responses

27 04 2008

Too soon, man. I just lost a friend to spontaneous combustion.

28 04 2008

This public service announcement is brought to you by Turtle Wax.

28 04 2008

I’m really disappointed my hammerhead pic isn’t in here. That pretty much tells us how shark-raped we are.

28 04 2008

Shit! I didn’t see it until I saw your picture, but my neighbour is actually A FUCKING SHARK!
What can we do about global sharking if most people can’t even recognize it?
We’re doomed. Time to start extreme swimming lessons.

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