Unsurprising Revelations About Someone Named ‘Billy Ray’

12 05 2008

Douche, thy name is Billy Ray.

First, he leverages his daughter’s talent/burgeoning c-cups to stage a comeback. At least Joe Simpson only wants to skim profits off his daughters’ success like a reasonable Stagemom.


It’s a sad day when this guy thinks you’re a douche

Worse, he is responsible for songs entitled “Ready, Set, Don’t Go”, “Achy Breaky Heart” and “Trail Of Tears”. The first two are just retarded word play, which is no worse than any other pop star, but that last one actually co-opts the forced relocation of Native Americans to designated “Indian Territory” with several thousand dying along the way. You need a tragedy of that scope if you want to impart how he feels when his truck don’t run and his woman dun gone an’ left him.


Sure, this is a bummer and all, Hung Like Buffalo, but think about what a great country song it will make!

At the end of the day, all of that just makes him a mimbo. That’s forgivable as long has he’s just eye candy. I’m no pop-star svengali, but I’m pretty sure the first step to making a viable star is telling them “Cut your goddamn mullet and stop raiding Steven Seagal’s wardrobe:

And when you finally get around to reinventing yourself, for the love of God, don’t ask for the “Emo Helmet With Blond Highlights”:

Douchetastic.

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