My Wife – Pity Her

First business, then pleasure. I have another article up on cracked.com that seems to be doing pretty well. It even made the top ten on digg, running just behind the video of Gary Kasparov being divebombed by an RC flying penis.

They claim it was remote controlled. I happen to believe Bobby Fischer‘s poltergeist was feeling saucy. Moving on.

I am hardly a prankster. As juvenile as my sense of humor runs, I don’t really get into gags. There is one shenanigan, however, that I am helpless to resist – messing with my wife’s deserts. Whenever there is an idle slice of cake that she’s had designs on for hours, I have to covertly take the first bite off it. I’m a ninja glutton.

The joke never gets old. It’s like that friend all guys have that pooped themselves in the 2nd grade and have since been known as “gutterbutt” ad infinitum. No matter how they protest or evolve beyond it, that gag will never be unfunny. I may be taking my life and marriage into the breach with me every single time, but that look of shock and disgust from her is almost as delicious as tapping that cake’s virgin ass. Nothing but sloppy seconds for my wife.

Of course we don’t always have cake in the house so I’m forced to be more inventive. This week it was a pristine gallon of Cookies’n’Cream. It wasn’t as decadent as the pints of Ben and Jerry’s fattybatter that she enjoys so, but it would definitely still strike a chord. As I carved out the first couple of spoonfuls I was struck by how I could take my tomfoolery to the next level. A couple of surgical scoops and a delicate backfill with some ground up oreos later, she was greeted with this:

If this wasn’t proof enough of how classy I am, please note my Mickey’s Malt Liquor themed pint glass in the background.