Society, Intellectual Snobbery, and Perfect Tits

16 06 2008

(Watching Weezer’s latest viral offering featuring internet stars of yesteryear made me realize there was a rant that I missed issuing the first time around. Odds are pretty good you remember this chick, but if not click on the picture for the video reminder of how she became part of blogger infamy.)

I remember when this video of Miss Teen South Carolina began circulating, she was the talk of the town. Everybody touted their disgust for our educational system and the farce of Miss Teen contests producing young ladies of actual substance. You probably had a pretty good laugh.

How DARE you?

In case you’ve forgotten, this is a hot chick. Like, obscenely hot. Her ability to answer mundane, open-ended questions has zero bearing on her hotness. Yet you hear her rambling bumblefuck of an answer and think you have the right to judge this exquisite piece of ass?

This girl is a victim. She lives in a society that has insisted time and time again for her to chill the fuck out with all that book learnin’. Her sweet, sweet ass contributes enough just by being in eyeshot. However, not being entirely free of ambition, she decides to pursue the one avenue available to escalate her station – being voted the tidiest bit of tail in the U.S. Her odds are pretty good too, even when faced with similarly taut specimens of carnality, until some anachronistic prick insists on forcing her to think. It’s a monstrosity! It’s an injustice to her inalienable right to be thick as manure and half as useful, not to mention the toll it took on my chub. If you can’t empathize with her, can’t you at least think of my chub?

All we are allowed to expect of Caitlin is that she will indulge our hopeless flirtations and unwittingly bolster our spankbank inventory. In return, she has earned nothing less than a lucrative job she’s grossly unqualified for, immunity for any faux pas, and free drinks for life. She is expected to have a heightened sense of entitlement and occasionally rub our noses in it. When a girl like this tells you she wants to have a party at your place and was wondering if you’d bolt for a few hours…

…you had goddamned well disengage your logic centers and acquiesce. Her hotness demands it.

There is no Darwinian selection for survival anymore. The only things left to breed for are physical attractiveness and intelligence. Consider, however, that while you can teach anyone to parrot lessons on particle physics, you can’t make just anyone supremely fuckable. That’s a gift from God. If God wanted hot chicks to be smart, don’t you think he could make it so? His ritual denial of intelligence to them is His gift to us, the other 95% of the dregs, knowing that with sufficient trickery (and pharmaceuticals) we may reach the zenith of hooking up with someone considerably out of our league. What else is life about, really?

Thank you, Jesus.

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3 responses

16 06 2008
kas

I actually never watched more than 10 seconds of that flub of hers because I was too embarrassed for her.

1 02 2009
kookimebux

Hello. And Bye. 🙂

20 03 2009
JedAttencegew

very intresting

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