I’m HUGE In North Dakota

10 07 2008

This is going to come off as pimping, and to some degree it is, but I assure this time it’s pimping with substance.

So a couple of days ago cracked.com published my article on 6 Absurd Phobias And The Recognizable Tools Who Have Them. It hinged on pointing out celebrity fears that they probably uttered in an interview for The Daily Whogivesashit 10 years ago, giving it eternal reprint value on the internet for list-jockeys like myself. Ironically, since skewering them for their neuroses, I have developed a phobia of my own. I live in daily terror that Billy Bob Thornton will corner me at a social function and announce loudly “Hey, I hear you’re marginally funny on the internet. How many times has that got you in Angelina Jolie’s pants, you fucking pissant? OH DIS!”

That’s right, “DIS”. Is there any doubt he’d keep it O.G.?

A day or so later an unenlightened someone informs me that they found evidence I’d plagiarized the jokes from another website…published two days after the article ran. This person doesn’t have a future in forensic work. I follow the link only to discover I have become the comedic foil of the Jim, James & Cori radio morning show in Fargo. Worse yet, it’s a radio station that prominently features both Nickelback AND Daughtry on the header, meaning that my comedy really hits paydirt with people who enjoy only the most exquisitely refined crap available.

They left me with no choice. I had to respond (copied below in case their fascist regime opts to “moderate” my comment). Fargo – I’m comin’ for yo ass.

I’m not sure how to start this, James. I’ve never heard your show so I’m lacking a little bit of context. Are you the boisterous, opinionated Sports Guy? Are you the glue that holds this kooky morning zoo from bursting at the seams? Regardless, since your name appears first in the trifecta, we have issues.

I fully understand that a daily radio show could go lean on content pretty fast. If I were in your shoes I’d blow through my cache of weiner jokes inside of 10 minutes* and be left with excruciatingly dead air. The internet is as good a place to yank material as anywhere. Except when its mine.

The content you’ve provided above is from my article on cracked.com (http://www.cracked.com/article_16472_6-absurd-phobias-people-who-actually-have-them.html), which you have distilled without giving due credit. More than distilled you had the audacity to REPLACE a joke. My jokes are my children, James, and you have no right to choke the life out of them and put them on the street. That’s my job.

You’re probably wracked with guilt right now. Rightfully so. The internet doesn’t exist just so you can steal things willy-nilly (unless its music, pirated software, or 30 second clips of grainy pornography). Fear not – we can make this right. I would accept any of the following as compensation:

– An on-air apology to be made at a predetermined timeslot
– Leverage your extensive contacts in the highest echelons of local Fargo government to have me granted a Key to the City. A commemorative plaque would be nice, but I’m not grubbing.
– Bring me on staff as a highly paid humor consultant, specializing in whinging about perceived slights on the internet

Make this right again, James. The collective gaze of the internet is upon you, anticipating that balance be restored. The internet is also probably wondering if you’re into polyamory, yiffing, or light BDSM. They’re dirty buggers, that internet.

WestSIIIIIIIDE,

Ian Cheesman

*I was being modest. I could easily go for 20 minutes without even resorting to testicular humor. Try that.

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6 responses

11 07 2008
vengeance_is_me

I say we challenege them to an on-air funny-off. Me, you, and pdan. The Dream Team, bitches.

11 07 2008
robert

Looks like they published a retraction and apology.

That makes you the first one to get any kind of response from the many wacky radio show plagiarists.

Victory for internet!

11 07 2008
pdan

I could’ve come up with fancy lawyer language to really scare them, but I prefer to use my powers for laziness, not good or evil.

13 07 2008
Erik

Fargo’s in North Dakota, man. And I’d cut ’em some slack, if only because it’s flat, boring, and inherently humorless out there…

21 11 2008
Justin

That was a perfectly worded response, Ian. Good on you!

21 11 2008
Tartra

I got here from DOB’s latest article describing the trial you’d been put through. Fight the power, man! Nice job! And I hope things worked out for you, too.

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