Potent Potables # 18

4 02 2008

Steel cut oats are the apex of all oat-related breakfasts. It’s not so much a preference on taste as my undying respect for their masculinity. First off, they are cut by STEEL and nothing else. They arrive at your breakfast table already battle tested. Each oat only falls when it brought under the considerable force of a steel broadsword wielded by assembly-line barbarians. Secondly, even in death, they refuse to acquiesce to consumption, needing 20 minutes of continuous boiling before leeching away their inpenetrable shell. Furthermore, upon being chewed, they reveal a flavor that hovers between “gravel” and “fuck you”.

Some men live their whole existence thinking that oatmeal is a sickly paste of pre-chewed grains, awash in saccharine peaches and cream flavor-additives, cast from a thin paper envelope to cook in under 45 seconds. If you can call that living.




7 responses

4 02 2008

Steel Cut oats. Now that is a breakfast fit for Chuck Norris.

4 02 2008

Summary: Eat a dick, Wilford Brimley.

4 02 2008

I like my oatmeal sweetened with urine and flavored with hate.

4 02 2008

Summary: Suck it, Wilford Brimley.

5 02 2008

Why would I want my oatmeal to taste like fuck you? I like my oatmeal to taste like a gentle hug from a friend not seen in years.

5 02 2008

They taste best sprinkled with rusty nails and broken glass.

17 03 2008

You people have got it all wrong. Man Oats should be eaten with salt and butter, or possibly lard. You know, Man Food.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: